Self-Esteem, Hip Tosses, and Bad Internet Quotes

On Monday night, I watched my tiny eleven year-old daughter hip toss three grown men. (Don't worry, it was during a karate class. She's not out thugging on the streets.) The average weight of her victims is well over 200 pounds and one of them, at almost 6' 2" towers over her by significantly more than a foot. She accepted the challenge with confidence and skill. It seemed almost effortless on her part as body after body landed with a booming thud on the mat. It was a thing of beauty.

Her performance was met with light applause and some pats on the back, a few high fives from the adults she had thrown. She beamed. I know she's still thinking about it several days later, because she keeps bringing it up in conversation. She has commented on how easy it seemed and how surprised and pleased she was by that. She's anxious to do it again and can't wait for the next opportunity. She is so apparently proud of herself (as she should be. Not every eleven year-old kid spends their days flinging hefty grown-ups around).

Those short moments when she hoisted those heavy men and slammed them on the floor, and the moments afterward when she basked in her accomplishment boosted her self-confidence and self-esteem in ways I never could have accomplished as her mother . There are not sufficient compliments or assurances or affirmations I could have whispered in her ear. And while I could have perhaps tossed those men (although admittedly without the grace and skill she mustered) for her... it wouldn't have had the same benefit.

Within hours of watching my daughter bask in the thrill of accomplishment, I saw something online that was so starkly contradictory to her experience.  There are a few nifty little internet inspirational images floating around out there with a quote from Alvin Price. It seems like a nice enough saying. Plus it's most often paired with the stereotypical cheesy picture of small children smiling or playing on the beach, but I think it might be sending the wrong message to parents who sincerely want their children to be successful.

"Parents need to fill a child's bucket of self-esteem so high that the rest of the world can't poke enough holes to drain it dry..."

Perhaps I cringe a little because I am imagining a hovering mother shouting praises at her child all day  long for the most insignificant things, telling him how wonderful he is, how smart, how attractive, how proud she is of him. The quote conjures up super-sappy mom pouring platitudes of praise into her bratty little kid's puffed up ego.

But it's all a sham.

You see, there's a huge difference between egotism and self-esteem. Egotism is a superficially inflated opinion of one's self-importance. It's superficial because the poor waif hasn't done anything to feel good about himself. He just thinks he's wonderful because Mommy and Daddy have told him again and again and again how special and talented and awesome he is. Egotism is what is built daily by overly complimentary parents. Filling a child's bucket with unsubstantiated praise doesn't defend him against the holes the world tries to poke - and the world is a cruel and heartless place sometimes that's all too willing to poke ginormous holes in a person's self-esteem.

I admit that I haven't read any of Alvin Price's work. It's quite possible that this quote has been taken out of context and isn't at all cringe-worthy. However, it's easy for parents to forget about the most important part of self-esteem... SELF.

Self-esteem comes from inside, not outside. That's what self means.

My daughter's feelings of confidence and accomplishment didn't come from compliments or hollow praise. She was proud of herself. She knew she had done something worthwhile, and she felt good about herself because of it.

That's how self-esteem - real self-esteem - is built. It's not a bucket that can be filled by the parents at all. It must come from inside the child. It comes from achievement. It comes from setting goals and reaching them, from taking on challenges and conquering them, from setting expectations and surpassing them. The most parents can do is put their children in situations that foster those inner feelings of pride and accomplishment.

And sometimes the self-esteem is formed BECAUSE of those holes the world keeps trying to poke. Overcoming adversity builds confidence and self-assurance. Maybe those holes aren't so evil. Maybe they are just opportunities for your child to plug them up all on his own, and then feel good about it. Not because his parents told him he was clever, but because he proved it to himself. Nobody can take that away from him.

Sometimes those holes come in the form of big, heavy grown-ups.

Sometimes all it takes is a good hip toss to plug those holes back up again.

Step Aside and Let Kids Fight Their Own Battles

Summer is almost over.  The start of the new school year is fast approaching.  School supplies are being bought, sleep schedules rearranged, classrooms are being organized, and parents, teachers, and students are all starting to get in that back-to-school mindset.  The start of school brings more than homework and school buses and awkward social situations, it also heralds the darker side of kids behavior, the seemingly ever-present and monstrous threat of school bullying.

It would seem that bullying is so odious and horrifying that many schools have adopted no tolerance policies, even landing kids who witness acts of bullying but do nothing to stop it in serious trouble.  Bullying has almost become the new witchcraft.  It's a crime so heinous, that no one wants to be accused of it.  One that brings the masses out to burn the accused at the metaphorical stake.  There are anti-bullying campaigns popping up on school campuses across the country (some government sponsored) and parent-formed groups monitoring bullying in school.  If you listen to the masses, you might believe that bullying has become a virus of epidemic proportions infecting our schools and playgrounds, and it must be eradicated if we are to rescue the younger generation.

But while bullying has taken on new forms (cyber bullying being the first that comes to mind), it certainly isn't a new rampant plague.  It's been around since the beginning of time... or at least since the inception of compulsory schooling.

Kids have always bullied other kids. It's an unfortunate part of the socialization process. Kids say hurtful and humiliating things, and kids shove kids in lockers.  It sucks.  But what overly-concerned parents and hyper-sensitive kids keep shoving under the bullying umbrella, are often little more than hurt feelings.

For example, consider the parent who accused a high school football coach of bullying after a 91-0 blow out game.  Or the "mean girl" who told a second grader she wanted to eat lunch with someone else.  Or my own child who was accused of bullying for thinking bad thoughts and vaguely "making me feel unwelcome" by the accuser.  And then there are the false accusations of bullying that can ruin an innocent student thanks to harsh no-tolerance anti-bullying policies.  And kids will accuse other kids unjustly in frustrated or mean-spirited attempts to level the social playing field, and that, of course, is just another form of bullying.

All of this attention to bullying may be a good thing for a wide range of very real victims.  It helps teachers and students identify and stop real bullying, hopefully before it does serious psychological damage.  But will the anti-bullying craze eventually become counter-productive?  Will we eventually become desensitized like the townspeople who ignored the boy who cried wolf?  The more we holler that everything is harassment, will real and serious bullying cases start to get lost in the shuffle?

Maybe the real bullying threat is posed by the hovering adults who, for fear that Little Johnny might scrape a knee or have his feelings hurt, orchestrate and insulate every aspect of Johnny's life.  Every childhood interaction must be structured and supervised.  From preschool play dates to individual (rather than group) bus stops to organized sports, children are barely allowed to interact without adult input.  Like helicopters, parents hover over every single thing their kids do, sterilizing their environments from all possible adversity.  They've banned dodge ball and tag and kickball to prevent "bullying" (which is really just kids picking teams and learning to settle disputes... you know?... life skills).

We have children's sports leagues that play but don't keep score... so everyone is a winner.  Or else, league standings aren't made public so the last place team doesn't get offended.  And because we've attempted to create a homogeneous society for our kids, where personal achievement and competition are non-existent, every kid gets a participation trophy.  We wouldn't want to hurt any feelings.

We have parents who swoop in to confront teachers about their children's bad grades, or schedule appointments with their college-aged child's professors to discuss how evilly they are treating their baby, or attend job interviews to ensure their adult child gets a good job.  This actually happens.

After all the attempts to whitewash the unfairness out of life, we're left with a generation that doesn't know how to fail, a generation that thinks everything is easy and guaranteed.  We have college graduates stepping out of college expecting to be handed their $100,000 starting salary, and are shocked that life doesn't work that way.  The concept of hard work and self-improvement is beyond them.  And when they find themselves stuck in crappy entry-level jobs, they demand an increase in minimum wage... because, damn it they deserve it... even though they haven't actually accomplished anything of value.

There are bullies in the adult world, too.  I've dealt with them in the form of employers and co-workers and neighbors.  Life isn't fair, even when you are a grown up.  Yet we're pushing kids out into that real world without the life skills they need to succeed.  Growth most often comes through adversity, but their insulated, sanitized, childhood bubble hasn't prepared them to be successful, well-adjusted adults.

It wasn't all that long ago that playgrounds weren't fenced, and children weren't taken from their parents for playing outside unsupervised, and kids were free to organize impromptu games of stick ball.  Not so very long ago, losing teams worked harder instead of whining about losing, students learned to suffer through terrible teachers, and bullied kids learned to stand up for themselves instead of hiding behind Mommy's skirts.  And some pretty important life lessons were learned in the process.

Perhaps instead of focusing so much attention on eliminating even the slightest bit of emotional or physical intimidation from our children's lives, we should focus on creating confident, positive, problem-solvers. (Interestingly enough these are traits that both bullies and victims lack.) I understand that parents mean well, that we all love our children and want to protect them, but sometimes the best thing we can do is let them fight their own battles.  We can't continuously rob them of opportunities to learn conflict resolution and effective communication (through actual application not just theory), and in the process develop improved self-esteem and a sense of empowerment.  And maybe they  might figure out in the process that their worth isn't wrapped up in the positive opinions of others.

Adults should just step out of the way instead of constantly feeding a victim's mentality to our kids.  Our children might need to suck it up, toughen up, and figure out how to fix their own problems.  I think we'll have better adults for it, even if the process isn't all sunshine and roses and rainbows.  But I bet there will unfold stronger, more resilient humans better equipped to face the often harsh realities that are inevitable in this world, because guess what... the world isn't all sunshine and roses and rainbows either.  

Be More Selfie Conscious

You know that the world is in trouble when the most esteemed guardian of the English language, the cerberus of linguistic integrity, the paladin of patois, bestows a prestigious honor upon what is probably the most embarrassing icon of the digital age.  The word "selfie" was declared Oxford Dictionaries' 2013 word of the year.

57 million photos strong (and that's on Instagram alone), the selfie rages its irritating way across social media platforms.  You can't scroll five seconds in any given social media newsfeed without coming across at least one ridiculous duckface, sweaty gym flexing, or inappropriate tween self-portrait.

Of course, the Oxford Dictionaries' pronouncement of the word "selfie" as socially significant is old news, but the "selfie" will not die.  Instead, it rears its repulsively tacky head in the most inappropriate places.  This week the internet world is all in a hubbub over an Alabama teen's smiling selfie snapped while on a tour of the Auschwitz-Birkenau Concentration Camp. You know, just the place to be all bright and cheery and upbeat?

Auschwitz-Birkenau was only the largest of the Nazi concentration camps designed for the murder of Jews, political prisoners, homosexuals, and other threats to the German regime.  Only a mere 1,100,00+ men, women, and children lost their lives there.

What a great setting for an overly perky selfie!

This bubbly blonde selfie-posting teen isn't alone in her tasteless display of Me-ism.  There have been plenty of other smirking or pouting or taunting selfies posted by social media fans from Auschwitz-Birkenau and still others from the 9/11 World Trade Center Memorial.  Even our illustrious President was caught striking a pose with international dignitaries at the memorial service of politician and philanthropist, Nelson Mandela.

Knuckleheads across social media venues continue to post selfies from funerals, and cemeteries, and memorials of catastrophic death, and in front of burning buildings, and violent arrests.

What is wrong with people?

What a Happy Day!  We're Here at the 9/11 Memorial where 1,000s of people died horrible deaths!

These cops are beating this guy, but who cares?  At least we look super cute!

This family's home and all of their worldly possessions just went up in a hot fiery blaze, but not as hot as I am in these aviator sunglasses!

Rockin' it out at Grandpa's funeral! Good times!

Thumbs up to the Germans for massacring millions of Jews!

These are selfies run amok.  They are shocking and disturbing and more than a little creepy to most sane individuals (at least those over the age of 30). They take narcissism to whole new arrogant and self-absorbed levels.  They are extreme.

But even your standard, less shocking, run-of-the-mill selfie is disturbing as the symptom of something deeper and darker in our collective conscious, a rampant societal narcissism.

Selfies, even in their tamest form, scream "Look at me! Look at me!"  They are acts of shameless self-promotion that are really just desperate pleas for affirmation and acknowledgement for lonely attention-seekers.  They are individual cries into the void for compliments and cool points.  What you are really saying when you post that bathroom mirror selfie to Facebook is, "Could someone please indicate that there are other humans out there that think I'm beautiful/cool/stylish/worth something before I collapse into my own loneliness and worthlessness."

It's kind of sad and pathetic really.

Social media has made us more connected than ever.  We can instantaneously know what our friends and relatives and casual acquaintances are up to even if they are located half-way around the globe.  And yet we are more disconnected than ever when it comes to intimacy and personal relationships.  And so we cast out our nets (nets woven of awkwardly irritating selfies) into the vastness of the internet looking for acceptance and recognition and validation of our worth as individuals.

And it only annoys and aggravates the masses, who quickly scroll past the awkward appeals for approval.  Because selfie sharing actually makes people like you less. British researchers recently discovered that "increased sharing of photographs of the self... is related to a decrease in intimacy."  You are shooting yourself in the foot every time you purse those lips into an outrageous duckface, squeeze your boobs together, and snap that shot with your smart phone in an attempt to make friends and get people to like you.
Because most of us don't care.  And we don't have the mental energy to stroke your ego.

And you look ridiculous.

It's irritating and annoying.  We feel embarrassed for you.  Just put the phone down.  Walk away from the mirror.  Stop creating a false image on social media.  Stop caring so much what other people think.

Stop it with the selfies.

It's not just the Auschwitz selfies and the funeral selfies that are obnoxious.  They are all kind of obnoxious... at least as a collective.   So think twice and post once... or maybe not at all.

We could all learn to be a little more selfie-conscious...

That was intentionally corny... like a duckface selfie.