How Holiday Shoppers Are Exactly Like Zombies

Brace yourselves. It's almost time for the kick start of the Holiday Shopping Apocalypse AKA Black Friday. Little known fact: Black Friday gets it's name from the annual deaths of trampled holiday shoppers... and also the annual death of my faith in humanity. True story.

I know that if I venture out from the safety of my rock this weekend I'm going to be forced to face the hoards of mouth-breathing, crazy-eyed, brain-dead, object-driven consumers. It's going to look a lot like the zombie apocalypse out there, only without Daryl and Michonne (which we might as well just admit are the coolest parts of the zombie apocalypse).

If you do feel brave enough to venture out this long weekend for a holiday supply run... Godspeed. Be careful. Watch your back.

Because holiday shoppers are a lot like zombies.

Wait... which ones are the zombies again?

Don't believe me? Check this out...

How Holiday Shoppers Are Exactly Like Zombies

1. They are both attracted to flashy things and loud noises. Zombies like heat and loud noises. Remember in The Walking Dead, how Daryl burned a perfectly good yellow legal pad to distract zombies so he and Carol could slip by? Ever notice how zombies move mindlessly toward loud noises, assuming there might be something tasty making the noise?

Holiday shoppers are like that, too. They follow the hype and opinion of popular culture. Attracted by clever marketing and peer pressure, holiday shoppers spend money on things they don't really need but really, really, REALLY want. Even if it might break next week or they already have something that does the same thing or the product will be obsolete before next Christmas,they are going to buy it anyway, because the media created enough noisy social chatter and started a huge enough marketing fire, that consumers lose their minds and common sense (and often their dignity) to buy stuff. Like zombies, they believe that there will actually be something of substance behind the noise and the hype... but there rarely is.

2. They are both relatively weak and unintelligent individually, but are dangerous in large numbers. One middle class mom pushing a shopping cart isn't a big hazard. Mobs of crazed consumers waiting in crowded lines to grab insane holiday deals end up trampling security guards, sales associates, and old ladies (People, please keep your grandmas at home until after Thanksgiving weekend. It's for their own safety).

Zombies are like that, too. Remember how they busted down those glass department store doors in The Walking Dead season one and made a flaming mess out of the farm in season two? Good times. While they might be easy to deal with individually (like the solitary cart-pushing mom), it's easy to become overwhelmed by large numbers of them (like the materialistic consumer running-of-the-bulls that calls itself Black Friday).

3. They both lack common sense and a desire for self-preservation. On The Walking Dead, we've seen zombies impale themselves on sharp sticks in order to get to whatever shiny things consumed their attention. We've seen them walk straight into the flames of a burning building. They also don't seem to react at all to the destruction of their fellow zombies, walking instead right behind them into the same lethal dangers. I mean seriously, you would think that after seeing Carol and Daryl and Michonne stabbing all of those zombies in the eye, maybe just ONE zombie would think better of it and turn around to stagger in the opposite direction. Only zombies aren't like that... and neither are holiday shoppers.

Holiday shoppers ignore the financial hardship that will plague them come January first. Destructive debt is often considered a necessary part of the holiday shopping season. They may have seen their sister-in-law or their best friend run themselves into bankruptcy with violent bursts of holiday shopping consumption, but it doesn't matter. They still need more BOGO sweaters and iPhone6s and Disney Frozen Snow Glow Elsa dolls. So they barrel headlong into the self-destructive behavior that is flagrant over-spending and debt accrual, as if the same thing won't happen to them.

4. They both consume but are never satisfied. Zombies eat and eat and eat... and eat and eat, and if some poor living schlep happens to wander past, they're going to try to eat him, too. No matter how much a zombie eats, it's never going to be satisfied. It's just going to try to consume more in a hopeless pursuit of fulfillment.

Shoppers are like that, too. They buy and buy and buy... and buy and buy, and if they see some other cool thing while they are wandering aimlessly around the mall, they're going to buy that, too. This holiday season, Americans are projected to spend in the ballpark of 617 BILLION dollars (give or take a couple billion). In fact, they are predicted to do way more spending than they did last year. Yet only one in three Americans considers himself to be happy. As a nation we buy and spend and consume in pursuit of fulfillment that never comes, because happiness and satisfaction can't be bought and wrapped and placed under a Christmas tree.

5. They are both rude. Zombies step on each other and bump into each other and generally disregard other zombies while out roaming the streets looking for tasty people to eat. They never even say, "Excuse me." Then when they find someone, they gobble him up without once asking his buddy, "Hey Fred, do you want a taste of this yummy school teacher here. She just might be the best thing since sliced bread... and definitely more tasty!" You never see them scoot over and offer a severed arm politely to their companions. Never.

Holiday shoppers bump each other and smash into each other's shopping carts and sometimes step on, elbow, and even punch their fellow shoppers in their quest to be the first ones to grab the best deals. Then they snatch all of the on-sale HDTVs or iPad Minis without regard to the individuals behind them. You never hear them say, "You know what? I see that you really, really, really want these Beats By Dre headphones. It just might make your kid's Christmas. And since I already have more than a dozen in my cart, why don't you take this set? Your welcome! Oh.... and Merry Christmas!" Nope. Never.

See? Holiday shoppers and zombies. It's hard to tell the difference.

If you venture out this weekend, you might want to carry your crossbow just in case the holiday consumer-zombies get too dangerous. Of course, if you're going shopping... it's too late. You've already been bitten.

Thoughts On The Oscars And Why I Love The Walking Dead

Last night the 86th Academy Awards was televised across the country.  I mostly know this because my friends have lit up my Facebook news feed with all sorts of relatively unimportant status updates and links about the big show.

I don't watch the Oscars, largely because I don't really watch movies.  You are much more likely to find me buried deep in the pages of a book, actively and emotionally engaged, than passively entertained and distracted by flashy cinematography and superstar histrionics.  (Not that I don't occasionally enjoy a good movie...it's just that I spend so much time living...and maybe I'm not so easily distracted.)

As a culture, we are easily distracted by the sequins and red carpets and multimillion dollar platinum and diamond necklaces.  We are not paying attention to the things that are actually worth paying attention to. My news feed is chock full of Oscar updates and almost completely void of updates about the impending war in the Ukraine or the violent protests in Venezuela  (Why can so few people even locate the Ukraine or Venezuela on a map?)  My friends are up-in-arms about Leonardo DiCaprio's loss at the Academy Awards, but not about the NSA's domestic surveillance programs or the major coal ash spill in North Carolina.

I heard that when Jared Leto accepted his award for best supporting actor he mentioned the Ukraine and Venezuela in his acceptance speech.

"To all the dreamers out there around the world watching this tonight in places like Ukraine and Venezuela, I want to say we are here, and as you struggle to make your dreams happen and live the impossible we are thinking of you tonight."  

WTF?  How horribly egocentric to even think that the people struggling in the Ukraine and Venezuela are glued to their televisions watching the Oscars...or that they care one iota that Hollywood is thinking of them.  Symbolism over substance.  There is no real value in his statement.  In no real way has he helped the citizens of those countries.  But he has symbolically stood with them in a sham of solidarity...whatever good that does.

While there are real and terrible crises going on all over the world...and in our very own back yards...we are busy wasting time on things that make no real difference...i.e. flashing priceless jewelry and fashion valued at more than the gross domestic product of most small sovereign nations, picking the people who are best at pretending to be other people, and listening to those people make trivial acceptance speeches,.  The fact that Ellen DeGeneres's tweeted Oscar selfie is shared by over 2 million people in less than an hour kind of shows us where our priorities lie as a country.  Is it any wonder so much of the world is just plain disgusted with the United States?

Needless to say, I did not watch the Oscars...

Because I was too busy watching The Walking Dead.

AMC's The Walking Dead is the one television show I watch with any regularity...and while it might seem like senseless and passive and even childish entertainment (which it is on many levels), there are many reasons that you will find me cozied down with a bowl of popcorn and a glass of wine on Sunday nights at 9:00 PM.

First, it's family bonding time.  While we exile the youngest two children upstairs (You must be at least 14 to watch The Walking Dead in our household, because of violence and intense adult situations...and because I don't want terrified nightmare afflicted children invading my bed late at night) the rest of us fill the hour with mutual rantings and thrown popcorn and yells of disbelief, "Just look under the bed!" and "Would someone please, PLEASE just eat Beth already!?!"  We pick apart the ridiculousness of the situation and the stupidity and carelessness of the characters that have us coming away a stronger and more bonded family.  (And one with a solid and firm plan in the event of a real zombie apocalypse.  Luck favors the prepared.)

But my fascination with The Walking Dead is more firmly grounded in the metaphor.

Consider for a moment that the "walkers" (or zombies for the non-Walking Dead initiated) represent the average citizen stumbling along unaware, alive but not truly alive, obsessed with a mindless and violent and destructive drive to consume, consume, CONSUME.  And their ever expanding consumption of goods drives them to seek out others and force them into unthinking ruinous consumers, too.  They stumble about devouring everything alive in their paths, paying no attention to the harm they inflict on themselves or their environment, complete slaves to their drive and desire to consume more. A more poignant criticism of consumerism I haven't seen.

And like our Oscars-loving friends they are easily distracted from what they desire (lovely warm flesh...YUM)...by loud noises and raging fires and shiny objects and even dusty gray rocks tossed in the brush.

Is it any wonder we pull for Daryl and Michonne and Rick (although in Rick's case, a little begrudgingly)?  We are them.  We are alive and cognizant in a world full of unthinking, easily distracted, automatons, listlessly stumbling through life with no purpose but to consume things that add nothing of real value to their lives.  We want them to survive (except for maybe whiny Beth).  We want them to thrive and succeed.  We don't want them to fall prey to the walkers.  We want them to maintain their autonomy and freedom of thought.  Because we want the same things for ourselves.  We don't want them to be left with some hollow semblance of life, will-less and mute and rote, because we struggle against those things every day.

So go ahead and keep your Oscars.  I'll just be over here breathing deeply, seeking awareness, focusing on what I think is important...and sharpening my survival skills...both pre and post apocalyptic.