My Holiday Wish List

It's the holiday season, (This isn't meant to be offensive. It's the season of a thousand holidays. Just pick one and go with it.) which means there will be a lot of gift exchanging going down. I have been informed by the masses (AKA "my family") that I am a difficult person to shop for.

I'm a simple girl with simple tastes. It really shouldn't be all that difficult to come up with something, but I'm bowing to the pressure of the gift-giving season and compiling a list just to make it easier for everyone.

Here is my Holiday Wish List:
(Feel free to forward this to Santa or Baby Jesus or the Flying Spaghetti Monster or the NSA)

1. Peace on Earth. We'll just get this one out of the way early so my conscience can be free to wish for other more important things. Just as a side note, if we could achieve said worldwide peace without the use of "enhanced interrogation techniques" that'd be great. Thanks.

2. A White Christmas. I ask this with the known risk of sounding racially exclusive. In all honesty, others should also be allowed a merry and bright Christmas, no matter their skin color. However, until Mother Nature (or global pollution) causes snow to fall down in shades of red and yellow, black and white... we are kind of limited in our choices of magical wonder-filled weather phenomena this time of year... so, just get over it.

3. A Remington Model 7400 Semi-Automatic .30-06 For elk hunting... or civil unrest... or just because I want one.

4. An End To Rape Culture. While I sometimes believe rape culture should be relegated to the realms of fairies and unicorns and honest politicians, I still dream of a world where my daughters aren't told to look at every man as a potential rapist... and my sons don't fear the destruction of their lives over a false rape accusation from some crazy biatch with an agenda and a chip on her shoulder. (Also as a side note... My children wish for a world where their middle-aged mother doesn't use the word "biatch" in public.)

5. Bacon. Everything's better with bacon.

6. No Bell Ringing. I know that they are begging alms for the poor (Which I am totally cool with. In my opinion, privately sponsored charity is way better than the government mandated kind), but could they find some other less obnoxious way to advertise their need. Instead of incessant insanity-inducing clanging, couldn't they... I don't know... just ask passers-by for their spare change? Because that clamor does nothing to make me feel goodwill toward humankind. It actually makes me feel kind of stabby.

7. Turn Signals. A wonderful form of communication between drivers, they are there for a reason people. Use them. Seriously, it's pure evil not to and should be listed in all religions as one of the deadly sins.

8. Chocolate and Coffee. Simultaneously is fine. Who doesn't enjoy a good hot mocha? Keep your Paxil and Zoloft. When I choose to self medicate, chocolate and caffeine are my drugs of choice. Side effects may include happy taste buds, happier husbands, and just plain general happiness. (I will also settle for cheap wine. See? I'm not at all picky.)

9. Truth. Or at least an end to false narratives which have been thoroughly and repeatedly disproved, but still oft repeated by the media and politicians and other stupid people more interested in pulling people's strings and pushing a social agenda than they are in understanding basic facts.

10. New socks. As a kid, I hated them. As an adult they make me giddy. Mostly because I am now a responsible adult and having a basic need met by someone other than myself is a luxury... that and I can never find a matching pair. Case in point, I am currently wearing one red sock with dancing reindeer and one orange sock featuring laughing jack-o-lanterns. I'm nothing if not festive.

11. Health and happiness for myself and all of my friends and family. It's terribly cliched but still utterly sincere.

12. Humanity to Look Up From Their Cell Phones. Look at each other. See the stars. Smell the roses. Imagine a world where people didn't stumble through life constantly attached to electronic screens, a place where people talk to each other with their physical voices and actual words rather than 120 characters of text speak, an earth filled with active, aware, breathing engaged human beings. That's what I want. So take a break from reading this on whatever electronic device you are currently attached to, look up at the sky or, if you're currently inside due to flaky racist forms of precipitation, look over and wish a fellow human being a "Merry Christmas".

Waging The War On Christmas

I ventured out from under my rock yesterday and went shopping. It wasn't entirely a miserable experience. The cashier was rather cheerful. She even wished me a "Merry Christmas". Having a customer service employee actually acknowledge my existence made me smile. I felt kind of warm and fuzzy with the spirit of the season.

But as I was hurrying away, my packages in tow, I wondered if I should be offended. It wasn't a very politically correct sentiment to share with random customers... and nothing is more important than being politically correct. If you aren't careful, the wrath of the entire planet might fall on your head. Look at Darius Rucker; he couldn't even get away with singing White Christmas without suffering from internet fall-out. Traditional Christmas songs are apparently offensive in their racial exclusiveness. (Forget that snow is white... as well as a very traditional symbol of the Christmas season. Don't confuse people with your science and logic. We have no room for that here!) Wishing people a "Merry Christmas" could be offensive in it's religious exclusivity. (Note for the sarcasm impaired: I'm being incredibly snarky here.)

Then I braved another store, also not an entirely miserable experience. This time the cashier wished me "Happy Holidays". Again having my existence acknowledged by a retail employee made my day. Plus being wished "Happy Holidays" was like a multiple choice question. I could choose which holiday to make happy. The list of winter holidays is after all, quite extensive. Saturnalia, Hanukkah, Ramadan, Boxing Day, Yule, New Year's Day, Festivus... I didn't know whether I should pick just one or all of them. This cashier could literally be wishing me happiness for the entire winter season!

But as I was rushing off to brave the chaos that is the mall parking lot, I wondered if I should be offended. According to Bill O'Reilly, there is a huge war on Christmas, and that smiling, well-wishing, existence-acknowledging cashier was on the front lines of the attack.

Seriously, there's like a war on everything these days. What kinds of weapons are used in a "War on Christmas"?

Tinsel and Glitter? (Very likely weapons of mass destruction.)

Holly? Ivy? Debauchery?

Alcohol and Santas?

Alcoholic Santas?

Tanks and fruitcakes? (Which one is more deadly?)

Demagoguery?

The War on Christmas has nefarious roots dating back to the 1950s, when the John Birch Society attempted to expose a communist plot to "take the Christ out of Christmas". It's always the commies...

Arm everyone! It's the War on Christmas!

Now people like Bill O'Reilly, The American Family Association, and the Religious Right are taking on evil Wal-mart greeters (seriously... they are evil), in-store advertisements, and rampant paganism. They are fighting to keep Christ in Christmas.

Certainly a noble battle.

However, dear noble warriors of the Christian faith... if your Christmases haven't been overflowing with good deeds...

If you haven't busied yourselves with the feeding of the poor, the clothing of the naked, the caring of the sick...

If you haven't been forgiving the guilty, welcoming the unwanted, and loving your enemies...

If you haven't been doing unto others as you would have done unto you...

Then perhaps your Christ was never in Christmas to begin with.

A holiday with Christ at the center would welcome the sinner and the non-believer. It would be filled with hope and love and charity... not the greed and gluttony and exclusivity that all too often characterizes this holiday.

I just can't see the Christ of the Bible caring one whit about whether the cashier at Target wishes you a "Merry Christmas" or a "Happy Holiday". He'd be too busy working on the things that matter, which would probably not include shopping at Target... unless he was purchasing clothing for the poor... but if Christians were busy about His work, He wouldn't have to do that, either.

So maybe there's no "War on Christmas" at all. Maybe pagans and Wal-mart greeters and democrats aren't trying to remove Him from the most sacred of Christian religious holidays, because He isn't there anymore. Maybe He left because he was tired of the hate and bigotry. Maybe He was tired of the shiny tinsel and glitter (God knows I am... pun intended... especially glitter. That stuff is like The Plague) and the lack of substance.

So stop shouting at each other. Stop with being offended when people don't think just like you. Stop lobbing fruitcakes at one another. Those fruitcakes are dangerous. You'll put an eye out. Focus on the important things. Then you'll be too busy to be offended.

And please, let's stop referring to this trivial childishness as a war. It's an insult to the victims of the destruction and savagery and carnage that is REAL war. There are no similarities here. There are no victims in this war.

Unless you count that one time my cousin got hit in the head with one of Aunt Edna's fruitcakes...