Monday, September 26, 2016

20 Things I Would Rather Do Than Watch the Presidential Debate.

Tonight's the night. That's right, tonight is the first face-off debate between presidential hopefuls. I'm so excited I can hardly stay awake. I've heard rumors that hospital emergency room staff are on standby this evening, expecting a rush of alcohol poisoning cases due to presidential debate drinking games (I hear the rules are you must drink every time Hillary coughs or Trump yells about a wall... the light weights will be out before the opening remarks are finished). Although I suspect the most common cause will be overdrinking due to despair over the lack of decent candidates.

Who will go home with the championship belt? Pundits will analyse the heck of this to determine the winner of tonight's debate, unfortunately it won't be based on blood loss or armbars or even a good ground-and-pound.

But we already know who the losers are. That'd be us. The American people.

I know some of you are all on pins and needles with excitement about tonight's debate. I know some of you haven't made up your minds yet, that your decision (and the fate of this country) hangs on the outcome of this debate. But I may be busy. I just don't think my soul is up to the torture that watching and caring about tonight's debate would be. I don't think I can handle the lies and forced laughter and empty promises.

Here is a list of things I would rather do than actually watch tonight's presidential debate. Seriously this might be the highest level of torture there is... probably paving the way for the return of waterboarding, which is incredibly humane in comparison.

Well played, Mr. Trump . . .Well played.

1. Eat soup with chopsticks.

2. Walk across a bed of legos in my bare feet.

3. Get pushed down the stairs.

4. Watch 24 straight hours of Caillou.

5. Be Caillou's mother.

6. Juggle porcupines.

7. Have dinner with Hannibal Lecter.

8. Eat a live cockroach.

9. Scrub toilets with my toothbrush.

10. Paint my cat's toenails.

11. Wear barbed wire as jewelry.

12. Go to the grocery store naked.

13. Watch my children hand wash the good china.

14. Mow the lawn with fingernail clippers.

15. Receive acupuncture on my eyeballs.

16. Use poison ivy as toilet paper.

17. Eat the moldy leftovers in the back of the fridge.

18. Sleep on a bed of cactuses.

19. Wrestle an octopus.

20. Scream for hours into my pillow... Wait! I'll be doing that in November after the election. I have to remember to pencil that in on my calendar.

Thursday, September 15, 2016

Are You Angry Yet? - How Big Business Bought Science

This week everyone has been pretty preoccupied with angry Colin Kaepernick memes, so I don't doubt you missed it. You know, one of the things we should all actually be angry about? Stuff that affects us more than football players?

I'm pretty sure most of us suspect that we are being lied to, by politicians and big corporations and our teenage children, but it isn't often that we get actual proof. Cold hard evidence that we are being lied to in big nasty ways hit the newsstands this week, and it had absolutely nothing to do with the current presidential race. This time it's our health. The testament of corruption and deceit was published in JAMA Internal Medicine in the form of a historical analysis of thousands of pages of correspondence and documents.

In the late 1960s, huge sugar industry trade group, The Sugar Research Foundation, struck a sweet deal with Harvard scientists to refute existing concerns about the harmful effects of sugar on the human body. What is the going rate to buy a Harvard scientist? It only cost The Sugar Research Foundation the equivalent of $48,000 in today's economy per scientist. What a sweet bargain!

It cost the rest of us a lot more.

The skewed findings of the purchased Harvard researchers was published in The New England Journal of Medicine in 1967.The link between high sugar intake and coronary heart disease was already known, but the Harvard scientists set up a smoke screen, suggesting dietary fat as the big nasty coronary culprit.

It was a diversion that derailed nutrition research for decades and likely profited the sugar industry billions of dollars. As a result of that "research", several generations of consumers have been urged by health officials to reduce fat intake in order to prevent heart disease. For many, this meant an increase in the consumption of low-fat high-sugar foods, contributing to this country's obesity epidemic... and increasing the risk of heart disease.

One of the bought-and-paid-for scientists, D. Mark Hegsted, actually became the head of nutrition for the United States Department of Agriculture where he helped draft the government's dietary guidelines, just in case you wondering how big or how far this thing goes.

This should make us question everything.

Up until this week, if guidelines or information or recommended health practices had come from Harvard research or if it was published in The New England Journal of Medicine, you would think that information was solid and reliable. That's a peer review journal. That's the serious stuff. Reliable. Trustworthy. Credible. You could take that information to the bank!

Now we have to wonder, "What other lies are we being fed for the sake of corporate profits?" Who else is lying to us? What information are we taking for granted as gospel truth that is just skewed research to push an agenda?





GMO safety?

How much of the information that we are being fed has been manufactured by Big Pharma or some other money-hungry organization?

It's a frightening prospect. I don't know who to trust anymore, because the bigger things get, the more corrupt they become. Scientific research isn't about integrity or transparency or honesty or the greater good of Society. It's about profits. How many Americans were sent to early graves because "scientists" were willing to sell their souls and their principles for a few grimy dollars?

I'm disgusted.

But mostly I'm frightened. It's getting harder and harder to discern Truth these days.

It's probably time to dust off my trusty (yet fashionable) tinfoil hat.

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Should Patriotic Hypocrites Just Sit Down and Shut Up?

I don't watch football.

To me, the thought of spending two hours of my life, glued to an electronic screen watching multi-millionaires chasing around an oddly shaped ball is as exciting and intriguing as undergoing eye surgery. My husband and younger son are fans, however, so sometimes the sport weasels its way into my life on Monday nights and Sunday afternoons. They yell at the TV. I roll my eyes and attempt to ignore them by reading a good book.

But even non-football fans have heard of Colin Kaepernick. He's the San Francisco 49ers second string quarterback. He's suddenly famous for refusing to stand during the playing of the National Anthem. He says he's protesting racial oppression and inequality in the United States. (I hope the irony of this isn't lost. 68% of NFL players are black. I love nothing more than irony.)

Monday night, while my husband and son were forcing me to acknowledge the existence of football, I became acutely aware of this "movement" that Kaepernick has created. Prior to kickoff for the 49ers/Rams game, I stood in my own living room while the National Anthem played, not just out of a sense of patriotism. I also stood because the dog had stolen my spot on the couch, but mostly because I was transfixed by the spectacle the media was creating right before my very eyes.

While violinist Lindsey Stirling played the notes of our The Star Spangled Banner, the cameras panned back and forth focusing on the controversial displays by the players. Viewers didn't get to see Stirling's face as she poured herself out in her performance, not once beyond the first few notes did the camera focus on her. We didn't even have long enough to mock her questionable fashion decisions (Leggings under ripped jeans shorts? Lindsey Honey, you're playing the National Anthem.) before the camera swung around to focus on Kaepernick and some other football dude (Actually he's 49ers safety, Eric Reid.) taking a knee. The camera focuses in closeup on the two non-standing players and then panned to focus on several more players with fists raised in the air. Then the cameras focused back in on the kneeling players. Repeatedly. From different angles.

Kaepernick and the other demonstrators definitely had the spotlight. Not once did the camera really focus on our servicemen and women on the field holding a stadium-size ginormous American flag. Only briefly during 92 seconds Stirling played The Star Spangled Banner did we even get a glimpse of our nation's flag. The fighter jet flyover and bursts of fireworks were just background noise to Kaepernick's decisive inaction. I only know there were planes because I heard them. They certainly weren't shown on screen.

The cameras chose instead to focus, for almost the entire minute and a half, on the division, the players acting out (or not acting, because not standing is actually inaction). Because they knew that it would rile people up, wad up some panties, stir the pot. Television ratings thrive on that sort of thing.

What by intention is supposed to be maybe the most unifying act in the country, standing together while the National Anthem is played, has suddenly become the most divisive.

Some people are applauding Kaepernick for standing up for what he believes in. (Um... guys? He's not actually "standing".) While others are more than ready to slow roast Kaepernick over an open barbeque pit (Mmmmm... tailgating at it's finest.)

Some people think Colin Kaepernick is brave and bold and want to pin some sort of hero's medal on his football jersey. They think that more light needs to be shone into the dark places of racial tension in this country. (These people apparently don't watch the evening news, because I'm seeing an awful lot of light shining as violent protests and mothers of sons killed by "police brutality" are paraded again and again across the commercial media stage.) But we aren't even talking about the police or racism or inequality.  Instead Kaepernick has ignited a debate about how we should protest, whether we have the right. He has started dialogue about unconditional patriotism and forced conformity, not racism.

Other people are shouting and stomping and throwing generally unattractive temper tantrums about how disrespectful Colin Kaepernick is being toward the men and women who died defending his freedom. They are clamoring on about how he should just get out if he doesn't like this country. "Don't let the door hit you on the way out, Colin!" I hear them ranting. There's likely a long line of people ready to help him pack his bags.

But Kaepernick isn't disrespecting any soldier dead or alive. Those people signed up to protect his freedom to express himself and his discontent with this country. If you believe the patriotic hype, soldier's shed their life's blood to ensure that no government could force Kaepernick or any other overpaid athlete to stand when he doesn't want to. I don't think Kaepernick is disrespecting dead soldiers. If anything, he's honoring their sacrifice by standing up for what he believes is a grave injustice. They died defending that freedom. He's actually exercising that freedom. Whether you agree with his platform or not, Kaepernick sees something he wants to change, and he's making a statement about it, AND he's donating large portions of his multi-million dollar income to help make it happen.

That's pretty f*cking American when you think about it. In his own way, Kaepernick is ensuring that blood wasn't shed in vain. I say let him exercise his rights. (I don't agree with him, so please hold your hate mail. But I stand for his right to sit for whatever he wants to.)

Also, I don't mean to get all political, but remember, I love irony. I find it incredibly ironic that so many of the people who are willing to throw Kaepernick out of this country for expressing his displeasure with it are the same people claiming this is the greatest country in the world while simultaneously chanting "Make America Great Again".

Let that sink in for just a minute. They are shouting at Colin Kaepernick for his ingratitude and disrespect for this country, because it is "the greatest country in the world". Yet their current slogan du jour is "Make America Great Again". I'm getting patriotic whiplash over here.

And in an even greater display of irony, they are shouting about Kaepernick disrespecting veterans while sporting campaign hats and t-shirts promoting a candidate that disrespects POWs, insults gold star families, lies about donating to veteran charities, and insults veterans by claiming to have "more military training" than most of them who have actual military training.

Here's the thing, you can whine and cry and throw things at the television. You can boycott the whole freakin' NFL because Colin Kaepernick is disrespecting our veterans. Heck, the whole organization is obviously anti-American for not forcing him to stand up. But deep down, you're all just hypocrites.

You can wave your flags all you like, you can burn jerseys, you can piss red white and blue (although you might want to get that checked out by a physician) but none of that does anything to support the military. Standing up while some musical notes play does nothing for the 300,000 veterans who've died waiting for health care. Waving flags does nothing to support the 22 veterans who will commit suicide today. It's just a fucking football game. You aren't really doing anything. What have you done today to support our veterans? Wearing red, white, and blue or sporting a yellow ribbon sticker on your minivan doesn't count either.

You don't even understand what's going on.

Meanwhile you want to force him to stand or else leave the country. Could there be a stance any more UN-American?

Sit down and shut up, beer-swilling, flag-waving, overly outspoken patriots. You are full of symbolism over substance. You claim to care about this country. but most of you don't even vote. You kind of disgust me. Can't you see there are bigger fish to fry? And our veterans' issues are just the beginning.

Listen, I don't really understand why we feel a need to flex our military muscle with flyovers and active duty soldiers on sporting fields before football games. But I honestly don't care one tiny iota about whether or not some over-paid athletes sit, stand, or do cartwheels during the National Anthem.

 There are more important things to worry about.

While everyone was arguing about Colin Kaepernick, North Korea fired three ballistic missiles toward Japan. As I'm writing this, U.S. nuclear-capable B-1 Bombers are flying over South Korea in a show of force meant to cow North Korean aggression.

While all eyes were on Kaepernick, Native Americans were attacked on American soil by an oil company. While peacefully protesting the construction of the Dakota Access Pipeline, which threatens sacred land and water quality, members of at least 100 Native American nations were assaulted by a private security firm which utilized tear gas and guard dogs. There's been almost no media coverage of the event.

While everyone was raging and distracted by insignificant football players, Global Justice Now released some disturbing figures. Multinational corporate behemoths like Shell, Apple, and Walmart rake in more revenue than a large number of the world's countries. Now corporations have more global power than many sovereign nations. "Everybody wants to rule the world." At least according to Tears for Fears. Hear that, North Korea? You don't need nuclear weapons.

And we're worried about a stupid, self-centered, second string NFL quarterback?

Please, people. Don't you realize this is all just bread and circuses?

Maybe you should all take Kaepernick's lead and just sit down and shut up. At least until you can figure out what's actually worth standing up for.

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Why is Back To School the Most Wonderful Time of the Year?

Most of the country's kids are back in school now. Parents everywhere seem to be celebrating the end of summer like it's the end of a summer long imprisonment. They've ushered their offspring to the bus stop while humming "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year". With their kids stuck at school all day, parents seem to be celebrating the fact that life just got a whole lot easier.

I suppose when you aren't used to it, wrangling kids all summer long is kind of an energy suck. Those pesky children are underfoot, making noise, making messes, demanding to be fed. Their presence is just there cluttering up life, making it super difficult to run the simplest of errands or hear the latest episode of Dr. Phil over the clamor.

It's easier to just send them back where they belong, lock them up behind cinderblock walls while they breathe recirculated air and become someone else's problems for at least six hours a day. At least they won't be trashing the kitchen or requiring supervision or running with scissors through the neighborhood scaring little old ladies.

Life is much more peaceful and quiet when the kids are back in school.

I will admit that the neighborhood seems kind of like a ghost town now that all the kids, who were just days ago riding bikes and skateboards and creating a ruckus, are safely tucked away where we can't see them. I'm pretty sure I just saw a tumbleweed roll down the middle of my suburban street. I didn't even know we had tumbleweeds in North Carolina.

While life may indeed be quieter now all those school-aged kids are out of sight and out of mind, I'm not convinced that life is easier.

When my oldest child reached school age, I had just given birth to his baby brother. My mother was certain that my life would be easier once he was enrolled in government-funded kindergarten. I had my hands full with an active toddler and a nursing infant. She was convinced that one less child underfoot would be a huge blessing.

But all I could think about was how difficult life would be if I placed that child on a bus everyday. I thought about having to adjust my schedule and the schedule of a toddler and infant to the biddings of the public school calendar. That I would have to wake to an alarm, dress a tired child, make lunch, and get him off to school all before 7:30 AM while still managing the needs of his younger siblings. And then I would have to stop whatever I was doing when school was over, napping babies be damned, so that I could safely retrieve him from the bus stop. And then there was the possibility of homework. (And a very selfish part of me also realized that the one human being capable of helping me with the business of feeding and diapering and entertaining his small siblings was the school-aged son I would be putting on a bus to sit in circle time and learn colors and shapes and how to be quiet... things he already knew. Except the how to be quiet part. He still hasn't mastered that.)

It might have been the severe amount of sleep deprivation talking, but my brain wasn't convinced that sending my youngest to public school would make life easier for me.

There are so many mothers who, upon discovering that I homeschool, ask me how I handle it all day everyday. To be honest, I wonder how they can do it, sending their kids off, getting them ready, staying on top of things.

I love being with my children and don't mind sharing my days with them, but I also love the freedom that homeschooling affords. When all of my children were homeschooled, we could sleep late and not worry about lunch until we got hungry. We could take spontaneous trips and not have to wait for Fall Break or Christmas Vacation. As a homeschooling mom, I didn't have to worry about grades or teacher conferences or disciplinary records or school bullies. There wasn't any homework to oversee or double check or pester them to complete. I didn't have to keep track of school fundraisers or permission slips or after school activities. I didn't have to schedule my days around bus schedules and early dismissals.

Listen up jubilant moms singing the virtues of back to school, the idea that having your kids in school all day is "easier" is an illusion. You've just traded one set of hard work for a different set. While you're considering me some kind of half-crazed martyr, sacrificing my sanity to provide a decent education for my kids at home, I'm looking at you half asleep in the school drop-off line and thinking, "Thank God I don't have to do that." (I'm just kidding. I'm not really looking at you in the drop off line. I'm still asleep in my bed.) You're juggling your own life while making sure your kids get up at the right time, get dressed in the right clothes, have all the right school supplies, meet the bus at the right time, get off the bus at the right, finish all of their homework and get it turned in at the right time. That doesn't exactly sound easy.

Sending your kids to school isn't easy, I don't care how hard the back-to-school commercials are trying to convince us. I think you already know it isn't easy if you're being honest with yourself.

Just like having them around all the time isn't exactly easy either. But who ever said this parenting thing was supposed to be easy? There isn't a parenting easy button. I know because I've looked everywhere. Even under the couch.

We just have to decide which difficult road is really worth it.

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

It's A Big Deal: So Glad They Told Me

Today is a big day! (Cue the triumphant and dramatic theme music and colorful confetti.) Today is the release date for HerStories Project Press's newest book, So Glad They Told Me: Women Get Real About Motherhood.

I'm super excited about this book for a couple reasons.

Number one: This book isn't just full of boring, run-of-the-mill parenting advice (I mean that stuff is already available in bulk.), this book contains 60 essays by women who are honest, raw, and real. There's just not a lot of authenticity floating around these days. Too many people wear their well-polished masks, presenting who they want the world to believe they are, but hiding their flaws and doubts and honest dreams. But this book has some of the most authentic, primal, naked-soul writing I've seen. These women are writing from the trenches of motherhood and it is simultaneously beautiful and heart-wrenching. Mostly it is honest, even when honesty isn't pretty.

Number Two: If you turn to page 251, you'll find an essay written by little ol' me. (Happy Dance!) I am both humbled and excited to be included between the covers of this magnificent book, my name stuck there in between and amongst some incredibly talented writers.

You can buy the book here. It's available in both paperback and Kindle versions. It's a great gift idea for a new or expecting mom (especially if you're looking for something original and meaningful to go along with the diapers and cute baby socks), but this book covers everything from pregnancy to empty nest. Any mom or anyone who has a mother (that's like everyone, right?) will love this one.

And because I am a tease, here is a tiny excerpt from my own essay (If you want more, you'll just have to get your hands on a copy of this book):

Stupid, isn’t it? Telling a mother not to worry? It’s like telling water to run uphill or pigs to sprout wings or mothers-in-law to mind their own business. It’s just not going to happen. Worrying is wired in our maternal DNA. And there are so many things to worry about; whether the baby is pooping a sufficient amount, whether his teeth will be jacked up from using a pacifier, how much his future therapy is going to cost from just how much I’m bungling this motherhood thing on a daily basis. 
“Don’t worry. It gets easier." 
I still grabbed on to that like a lifeline… because I was worried. I was worried that I might not make it through this motherhood gig with my sanity intact. Those assurances made me feel as if there was a light at the end of the tunnel that maybe I just couldn’t see yet. It was like they were coaxing me on from the other side, like the roaring crowd cheering on the runners at a marathon. They could see the finish line even if I couldn’t. If I just kept going, even as smelly and unshowered as I was, I would get to that wonderful promised land of “easier”. 
It was a lie.

Monday, August 22, 2016

Are My Sons Really Safe From Your Daughters?

It's back-to-school time. This means that over this past week, a lot of parents have dropped their offspring along with their boxes of stuff off on college campuses across the country. Lugging mini fridges and ramen noodles and boxes of crap up narrow residence hall stairways can be exhausting, but even more exhausting than the physical moving in, is the dropping off. Every parent already knows that college is often characterized by underage binge drinking and casual sex. It's an unfortunate part of the culture. When we add in the fear of sexual harassment and assault, it's enough to bring on a parental apoplexy of Biblical proportions. A lot of parents will need some seriously strong anti-anxiety medication after freshman drop off just to maintain a shred of sanity.

Of course, the college students don't make it any easier.

Last year, it was a bunch of dudes from Sigma Nu fraternity with snarky and inappropriate banners at Virginia's Old Dominion University. The white signs draped over the balconies of an off-campus house read "Rowdy and fun, hope your baby girl is ready for a good time," "Freshman Daughter Drop Off" and "Go ahead and Drop Off Mom Too."

Source: Twitter

Of course, everyone and their grandma was offended. ODU's Sigma Nu chapter was suspended. School administrators condemned the messages in two separate official statements, and ODU's Student Government Association called the signs in their own statement "unwelcoming, offensive, and unacceptable." And social media lit up with rants about rape culture and feminism and rampant acts of sexual assault on college campuses. 

The hammer came down hard on those boys. This sort of disrespect and objectification of women just will not be tolerated. I mean, we are supposed to be "teaching our boys to not rape" right? Signs like these are like the gateway drug to sexual abuse. Give them an inch and they're liable to violently take a mile.

Basically everyone was gasping and clutching their pearls (and rightly so). Fear for your daughters, everyone! Men just cannot be trusted!

This year, it's the women having their turn. A group of sorority girls at West Virginia University have taken paint to bedsheets to create their own snarky and inappropriate banners. "Freshman son drop-off," one sign reads. And right next to it, "You can drop off daddy too." And while those are more than slightly suggestive, these ladies (term very loosely applied) went even farther with some verbiage that is even more vulgar and crass than their frat boy counterparts. "We hope your son's pullout game is strong" and "We burned our couch so you can sit on our face" should be enough to leave the masses desperately clutching their pearls, right?


In perhaps the greatest example of the double standard the University scene has ever seen, not one person has been suspended or reprimanded or slapped on the wrist or even given a stern talking to. And social media is busy with their virtual high fives of congratulations to these tasteless young women.

Why? Because apparently strong sexually suggestive signs by men are considered "creepy" and "offensive" and blatant violations of zero tolerance policies regarding sexual harassment. However, if the same content is painted by people lacking a Y chromosome it's just "tongue in cheek" and "lighthearted" and even "truly inspirational". (If you don't believe me, check out these two very contradictory accounts of the two events that were published in Cosmopolitan almost exactly a year apart: West Virginia Sorority Trolls Sexist Fraternity Signs With Giant Daddy Posters versus College Bros Hang Creepy Banners at Off-Campus House)

I'm confused. If women throw around sexually crass vulgarities on a campus of higher learning they are somehow innocent, even inspirational, because they are sexually liberated. They aren't afraid to show the world that they are sexual creatures, that drunken uninhibited promiscuity is almost an act of gallantry for them. 

But when men throw around the same crass language, they are pigs and potential rapists and taking advantage of women (which is apparently a horrible, nasty, inexcusable thing even if the women really, really, really want to be taken advantage of).

I'm sorry, strange liberal media weirdos, if language like that isn't appropriate for our sons then it isn't appropriate for our daughters either. It cannot be acceptable to objectify men if it is beyond reprehensible to objectify women.

I know, I know. I should be afraid for my daughters. Some sketchy statistics tell me that they have a one in five chance of being raped while attending college. The media is constantly reminding me that we live in a culture of rape that is incredibly dangerous for young women. Men are just waiting for an opportunity to rape them and they must be constantly vigilant.

But truth be told, I am far more frightened for my boys than for my daughters. In today's culture, my sons must walk on eggshells around women, worrying that any vague pickup line might be interpreted as offensive or that any consent that isn't notarized and signed by witnesses might not be consent at all. While their female peers get carte blanche when it comes to promiscuity and changing their mind and overtly flirting but not really meaning it, my boys will likely need to give a breathalyzer test, a lie-detector test, and probably a drug test to any potential female partners. Just to be on the safe side. And if they don't have a good "pullout game" they could potentially have to raise a baby they didn't really consent to making and certainly had no say in whether it was carried to term. All because they were lured into a sexual act by a drunken scantily-clad strumpet, who certainly wasn't asking for it (although she repeatedly did ask for it).

Funny thing how that consent thing works these days.

We seem to expect our boys to behave like saints while we allow our girls to act like sluts. That's just not fair. We can't expect our boys to behave like gentlemen if our girls aren't behaving like ladies. This is supposed to be about equality, right? Even if feminism keeps screaming at us that women should be sexually liberated. Perhaps it is time to wake up to the fact that we are holding our sons to incredibly high standards while we allow our girls to wallow in swill. 

Sometimes I can't help but wonder if feminism isn't just an excuse for women to act like bitches and whores.

I'm not suggesting lowering the standards for boys. I've never liked the "boys will be boys" excuse for men behaving badly. But maybe it's time to make sure our girls are living by the same standards. 

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Are Bullies Really Evil? - The Waste of Anti-Bullying Campaigns

Middle school is Hell.

I recall with painful clarity the daily emotional warfare that preteen girls are capable of waging. As a 13 year-old girl, I was blindsided more than once, caught in intricate webs of social ostracization, the kind that would make the producers' of reality television shows heads spin.

To be fair, I often was guilty of doing the blindsiding, too.

Middle school seems to bring out the worst in people. The drama and intimidation and psychological combat that run rampant through so many middle school hallways, fueled by rampaging hormones and an animalistic drive for a decent seat in the social hierarchy, can lead to some deep-seated long-term trauma. Sure therapists and pharmaceutical companies and New Age life coaches are reaping the benefits of adults still dealing with painful middle school memories. They're preying on the survivors. The ones who made it out, however emotionally scarred they may be.

The truth is that everyone doesn't make it out of middle school alive.

Yesterday, Daniel Fitzpatrick's family buried the body of their 13 year-old son. On Thursday, Daniel's older sister found him dead, hanging from a belt in the attic. "I gave up," Daniel wrote in a long letter about his struggles with school bullying.

Only thirteen. It's sad and tragic and horrible in a way that just can't be put into words, but makes me hug my own pretten a little tighter with a huge sense of gratitude tinged with a kind of panicky fear. How could something like this happen?

Source: Facebook
Daniel Fitzpatrick's tragic suicide, so close to the start of the new school year, has brought the subject of bullying back into the national spotlight.

And so we're forced to endure hashtag activism from formerly bullied B-list actors. In the coming months, we might see some cheesy PSAs that are supposed to be designed to plant seeds of hope inside the hearts of suffering kids. New legislation will be introduced in city council meetings. Zero-tolerance policies will be added to student handbooks all across the country (You know, the kind that place guilt on innocent bystanders who witness bullying but do nothing? The policies that directly contradict the zero tolerance policies about violence? Do nothing and you're screwed. Stand up to an asshole by implementing a well-timed throat punch and you're screwed, too.)

Local school systems will be forking out loads of their scant funds on the social program du jour: Anti-bullying campaigns. There are a bunch, many of them making wild claims about their effectiveness at creating "bully-free schools". For only a large investment of funds these companies will help school systems implement their programs. It's a win/win, right? The company makes money, the CEO earns enough to buy a beach house somewhere posh, and the school kids get a drama-free, totally smooth, non-psychologically scarring educational experience.

Except that doesn't happen.

At least not the last part, but that beach house is totally bitchin'.

The bullying doesn't stop. In fact, research shows that students who attend schools with anti-bullying programs are actually more likely to experience bullying than students at schools that lack a program. Statistics make it easy to think maybe all of this anti-bullying hooplah is just a money-making scheme with a social agenda to make us feel good about what we aren't actually doing.

I'm no bullying expert, at least not aside from my own middle school experiences (as well as more than a few parental interventions on behalf of my own children), but maybe, just maybe, it has something to do with the focus on what to do with the bullies.

We believe that bullies are evil incarnate and must be stopped, shamed, suspended, embarrassed, and exorcised right out of our school systems. We must search it out and exterminate it. For the children.

But sometimes the definition of bullying is so vague that almost anything that almost kinda sorta makes anyone uncomfortable might fall into the category. It has often been said that the harder you look for something, the more likely you are to find it. Does searching out bullies and bullying, actually create the thing we are trying to prevent? Because we are looking for it so we can stamp it out before it gets out of hand even if it isn't really there in the first place.

Maybe in doing so, we aren't giving kids the chance to learn the skills to manage disappointment and adversity all on their own. Adults and our anti-bullying campaigns will swoop in with our super hero red capes to save them. We wouldn't want little Johnny to feel sad. We can't tolerate anything that might even have the slightest hint of bullying.

I get that suicide is horrible and tragic. I get that Daniel Fitzpatrick's might have been prevented, and that makes it all the more horrible and tragic.

Daniel Fitzpatrick told his teachers. No one swooped in with a red cape to save him.

I can't help but wonder if we are focusing on the wrong things.

Maybe we shouldn't be lurking around corners trying to catch someone being mean or shouting about the evils of bullies. Maybe instead we should be trying to create more resilient people.

A child who knows that they are worth something, not because they've been told this through empty platitudes, but because they have proven it to themselves and others, children who understand respect and empathy aren't just better able to deal with the stress of being bullied... they are also less likely to be the bully.

It's weird how that works. By building up kids, creating situations where they can build their own self-esteem, prove to themselves that they are valuable and capable and strong, we can better prevent bullying than we could with any pre-packaged, over-priced, flashy program or zero-tolerance policy. Because bullies bully for many of the same reasons that kids suffer from bullying (low self-esteem for example).

We can't always be the ones with the capes, swooping in to save the weak. We need to give the weak their own capes and let them save the day for themselves. We need kids who can adapt to stress, who have a capacity to overcome and even be strengthened by life's adversities, instead of weak kids who need a safe space because words hurt.

Because adversity doesn't only exist on school playgrounds or within the cold cinder block walls of schools named after dead presidents. There are difficult human beings that we will have to encounter through all stages of our lives. I've dealt with bigger, meaner bullies as an adult than I ever faced as a school kid (and that's saying something considering how my "best friend" treated me in 7th grade). And once out in the real world, dealing with asshole neighbors and co-workers and government employees and waitresses with issues, there won't be any expensive anti-bullying programs to hide behind when people are mean. We can't shelter children from ever hurtful word or mean person and then expect them to magically deal with them once they turn eighteen.

We need to be focusing on raising kids who can suck it up, who can cope with hardship, who have such a confident sense of self that it doesn't make them feel less when someone doesn't like them. And yeah... we probably need kids with a sense of humor, ones who don't get completely butt-hurt when someone says something slightly crude or demeaning or inappropriate (like "butt-hurt" for example).

A kid with strong qualities like that... well, it won't matter what someone throws at them. Unless it's a wild right hook. But you can sign them up for martial arts classes to help them deal with that (Funny thing is: martial arts helps foster all of those other anti-bully qualities like self-respect, confidence, and tenacity, too. But that's a whole other blog topic).

I'm just saying that maybe, just maybe, it isn't about the bullies. Maybe it's never been about the bullies. Maybe we just need to raise better kids.

Maybe we just need to teach our kids to both literally and figuratively take a punch and have them keep on swinging. Maybe there are better things we can spend our money on than ineffective yet sanctimoniously satisfying anti-bullying programs. (Shameless martial arts plug: Karate only costs about $60 a month. That's way cheaper than the thousands the school systems spend on those stupid campaigns... Just sayin'.)

Thursday, August 11, 2016

Why Do Lazy Slugs Attack Outstanding Olympic Athletes?

I've been watching the Olympics, enamored with the events since the opening ceremonies with it's historic and mesmerizing Dance of the Cheese Graters.

The truly riveting Dance of the Cheese Graters

I'm not a swimmer... or a gymnast, or a diver, or even a racewalker. I've never run a marathon or slalomed a canoe or played polo in a pool. However, I still find myself watching the events, marveling at the inhuman athleticism, and mostly just saying, "Wow" over and over and over again.

Now if parenting were an Olympic-style event, I might be able to hang with the big dogs. But truth be told, I'm pretty sure Aly Raisman's parents would bring home the gold in that one, too.

While much of the world is stunned by the performances of world class athletes on the most competitive stage in sports, many are openly criticising the athletes. Gold medals don't protect you from internet trolls and couch potato haters.

Social Media, the cultural scourge that often may be, is abuzz with some major disrespect for Olympic athletes. From swimmer Ledecky's huge forehead to gymnast Gabby Douglas's messy hair, no athlete is immune to hate spewing from virtual sidelines. Keyboard commentators have criticized Michael Phelps and his scowling game face, Simone Biles' parentage, and Ibtihaj Muhammed's religion.

The scathing commentary isn't only directed at American athletes. No competitor is immune. Mexican gymnast, Alexa Moreno was ruthlessly body-shamed, called "fat" and compared to a pig (although I've never seen a pig do a decent balance beam routine) And Ethiopian swimmer, Robel Kiros Habte has been criticized for his paunchy tummy, even being dubbed Robel the Whale (although he didn't quite swim as fast as a whale, placing 59th out of 59. Although considering Ethiopia's water shortage, it could be considered a marvel that Robel swims at all).

It's disgusting really. Here we have some of the most physically talented humans on the planet, humans who have risen before dawn for most of their lives to train and practice and sweat while most of us sleep, humans who have sacrificed and are capable of feats that should inspire awe from the rest of us, are being insulted for the most petty bullshit imaginable.

Let's be honest, who are we to criticise an athlete's hair or forehead or bitchface, when we are so dormant that we text our teenagers to please come downstairs and hand us the remote when we can't quite reach it from our warm comfy spot on the sofa. All that effort seems just too much. We are too tired after a day at senseless, meaningless, soul-sucking jobs to do anything close to real work. We are too busy chasing paychecks to chase goals and dreams. We are too preoccupied with frivolous bullshit (Exactly why is the Swedish fish Oreo a trending topic right now?) to even think about getting our lazy pathetic asses off the furniture and doing something amazing.

Which is exactly why we criticize the trivial. Olympic athletes and their greatness make us feel threatened. They remind us of our shallow lives, our mediocrity, the drudgery of our unexciting existence. And there they are, paraded all across our television screens and newspaper stands and magazine covers, doing amazing things, pursuing amazing goals, strong and brave and focused. They are an unwelcome reminder of what an individual human being can become and accomplish with drive and ambition and commitment.

And if they can do it, why can't I? Well maybe not the gymnastics thing. I have bad knees and a major lack of flexibility. But why not something else? Why not some other dream? Some other goal? Some other thing that is equally magnificent? Some other endeavor that would make me say, "Wow"?

It's just that it takes so much effort.

Yes. It does. And that is why we complain about Gabby Douglas standing at attention during the National Anthem or Michael Phelps' weird cupping habit or Robel the Whale's extra layer of bodyfat...because it makes us feel better about ourselves. Knocking those amazing athletes down a peg from behind a keyboard makes them seem maybe a little less magnificent.

Sure Gabby Douglas can win gold medals. Sure she can literally fly circles around most people, but her hair is a hot mess.

Sure Simone Biles may be the best gymnast the world has ever seen, but did you know her biological mother was a drug addict?

If we make the great seem a little less great, we won't feel so uncomfortable in our own mediocrity.

The thing is, if we put a little more effort into ourselves, if we got up off the couch and did something worthwhile, if we didn't so easily give up on our own dreams, if we put forth the effort to make something special of ourselves... well... we wouldn't feel so threatened by the greatness of others.

Because we still can, you know? Be something great, that is.

We don't have to hate on the world's best humans to do it either. We can use their hard work and dedication as inspiration, instead of tossing our petty insults around like rubber balls.

Instead, we can step up. We can do something, make something, be something. There are amazing things that we can accomplish. But it's going to take some effort, which might sound scary, but there are things of which we should be far more afraid.

Mediocrity, for example.

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

But What if They Outgrow Us? Dear God, I Hope So

I am not a short person.

Although both of my sons and several of my taller coworkers would strongly dispute this, I am in fact incredibly average when it comes to height. Measuring in at 5 feet 4 inches tall, I am right on par with the average American female, at least according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

And yet, I am short when standing next to my children.

After posting a photograph to social media this weekend, one in which I am standing smiling next to my youngest child, someone asked when she had grown taller than me. Which can't be right. She is my baby. My youngest. She's only twelve.

And yet, she is taller... by almost an inch.

When did that happen? Someone forgot to remind me to pay attention. I swear I only looked away for a brief moment, got distracted by the laundry or the dust bunnies or that last really horrible season of The Walking Dead. I didn't see it happen. And yet, here we are.

When my children were small, with shorter legs and tiny feet, they used to have to run to keep up with me. It took them at least two strides to every single one of mine, their small hands clinging to mine, being pulled behind me through parking lots and across streets, down grocery store aisles and around fast food dining rooms. They struggled to live life at my pace, afraid of getting left behind. I was so much bigger. Faster. Stronger. More than them.

But not anymore.

They are so much more than me. All of them.

Last week I watched my youngest son handle himself with grace and dignity in a difficult situation. He was confronted by another parent, accused of some nasty acts of bullying. In the face of an angry adult, pointing fingers and questioning his character, he spoke evenly and calmly. He explained himself with such poise and maturity that I could hardly believe what was happening. I, on the other hand, pretty much lost my shit. Looking back on the incident, I realize that I had let emotions get the best of me, that I had too easily lost patience, that I had behaved like a child who just wanted to run away. In that moment of confrontation, I realized that my 15 year-old son is a much better human being than I am.

Meanwhile, my youngest, the one who so recently surpassed me in height, could totally own me on the dojo floor. She is far better at martial arts than I will probably ever be, in spite of my higher rank and life experience and general mastery of adulthood. She is faster and stronger and more skilled. And on top of it all, she carries it well, with a quiet confidence tempered by humility. She, too is a better human being.

My oldest daughter is the kind of go-getter I have never been. She is smart and driven and competitive. This past Saturday, I watched from the audience as she spoke to an auditorium full of strangers with a clear voice and confident words, without nerves. And she walks in heels much more skillfully than I do. Again, she's a better human.

And my oldest son just earned his Army jump wings. He may be one of the bravest and strongest men I've ever met. He lives his life with a level of integrity, loyalty, and grit to which I can only aspire. He's going places and now that he is Airborne, he can get to those places much faster than the average soldier.

The day of my oldest son's basic training graduation was an incredibly proud day. I cried big fat soppy tears. But his graduation wasn't only a culmination, a marking of hard work completed. It was just one step, a launching point, to bigger things. He is living a life, learning things along the way, that I, as his mother, will never understand.

On that day, when things had quieted, the excitement and chaos calmed, and my husband and I were alone, we marveled at how that little boy in footie pajamas had grown so tall and so strong and so brave, in what seems such a short time. We knew he was starting a life without us, that he had big plans and bigger dreams, that he would be learning and experiencing things that we could never have provided him.

"I just worry that he's going to outgrow us," my husband had said, a little misty-eyed. And while I understand what he meant, as we both waded through what seemed like a huge goodbye to the little boy we've loved so deeply, as we watched our adult son march off to places we can't follow, all I could think is:

"God, I hope so."

All four of these incredible people, the ones I am truly blessed to have raised and honored to call my children, are more than me. They've already outgrown me in so many ways. They no longer struggle to live life at my pace. Instead they set their own gait, measure their own miles, stretch for their own goals. They are so much more than I am.

They are speeding on through life toward their own destinations, learning and mastering new things, things I struggle to understand (like tech support and teen lingo).

And I find I'm the one rushing to keep up with them. Stretching my own stride to keep their pace, stretching myself to be the kind of mother they deserve. They inspire me to be better, to reach higher, to live braver, to breathe deeper. I find myself setting larger goals, working to be stronger, faster, bigger than I was just yesterday. Because I want so desperately to keep up. I don't want to get left behind, and I certainly don't want them slowing down to wait for me.

Isn't that what we're working for? All of the sleepless nights and math homework and carpools to soccer, isn't that what we're in it for? So our children can have more than we had? That they can be more than we ever were?

We should be hoping and praying and actively encouraging them to outgrow us.

Because the world needs better people than we are. Our children can be those people.

And they can make us better people in the process. The world still needs us, too.

Thursday, August 4, 2016

What Other People Think About Being Offended

It's been an emotionally charged week for me. Hot on the heels of two major political circuses (also known as conventions) both of which left me feeling demoralized, disgusted, and more than a little afraid, I landed right in the middle of some rather agonizing personal drama. I'm not one to go looking for drama, but I apparently am not particularly skilled at avoidance. Sometimes drama manages to find me in spite of my best efforts.

Interpersonal drama plus the current political abyss plus the knowledge that my son is parachuting out of airplanes has not been a great equation for inspired writing. Each time I have sat down to write this week, I've been afraid of what might come spilling out. I know that I'm going to offend someone. While you might think that offending people is one of my favorite pastimes, I'm just not feeling up to the emotional fall-out this week.

Everyone around me is offended. It's in the news, on my social media feeds, and bouncing around my circle of friends. Khizr Khan offended Donald Trump who offended Khizr Khan (and most other Americans). Hillary's face offends people. Police officers are apparently offensive. My children offended some other children at a birthday party, which caused a whole lot of other people to be offended.

 I'm offended. You're offended. Wouldn't you like to be offended, too?

The world is one great big giant ferris wheel of people being offended. This is frankly not a ride I enjoy. It makes me want to vomit, and I desperately want off. I'm still not in a great emotional space, so instead of forcing you to endure my scattered thoughts, fervent rants, or whiny complaints, I will instead leave you with the words of other, more emotionally stable individuals.

And, yes... I realize that this post is probably going to offend someone. Whatever.

Quotes on being offended:

"Apologies; our cultural obsession with them isn't actually about being offended, or simply needing to hear, 'I'm sorry.' It's not really about right or wrong. It's about wanting to throw a rock in the dark and hear something break." ~ Jim Norton

"If you are on a continuous search to be offended, you will always find what you are looking for, even when it isn't there." ~ Bill Kellogg

"When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself." ~ Mark Twain

"Just because you're offended, doesn't mean you're right." ~Ricky Gervais

"To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else." ~ David A. Bednar

"If you are offended, it's your problem." ~ Salman Rushdie

"An offended heart is the breeding ground of deception." ~ John Bevere

"Being offended is part of being in the real world." ~ Courtney Love

"Don't change your mind just because people are offended; change your mind if you're wrong." ~ Criss Jami

"Anything designed to be inoffensive isn't worth your time - - life itself is pretty offensive, ending as it does with death." ~ Holly Lisle

"If you are too afraid to offend anyone, then I'm afraid you may not be able to do anything remarkable." ~ Bernard Kelvin Clive

"After all, its in the way an insult is received that makes it an insult. You can't really give offense unless someone takes it." ~ Portia De Rossi

"Nobody has the right to not be offended. That right doesn't exist in any declaration I have ever read. If you are offended it is your problem, and frankly lots of things offend lots of people.

I can walk into a bookshop and point out a number of books that I find very unattractive in what they say. But it doesn't occur to me to burn the bookshop down. If you don't like a book, read another book. If you start reading a book and you decide you don't like it, nobody is telling you to finish it. To read a 600-page novel and then say it has deeply offended you: well, you have done a lot of work to be offended." ~ Salman Rushdie


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