Are Bullies Really Evil? - The Waste of Anti-Bullying Campaigns

Middle school is Hell.

I recall with painful clarity the daily emotional warfare that preteen girls are capable of waging. As a 13 year-old girl, I was blindsided more than once, caught in intricate webs of social ostracization, the kind that would make the producers' of reality television shows heads spin.

To be fair, I often was guilty of doing the blindsiding, too.

Middle school seems to bring out the worst in people. The drama and intimidation and psychological combat that run rampant through so many middle school hallways, fueled by rampaging hormones and an animalistic drive for a decent seat in the social hierarchy, can lead to some deep-seated long-term trauma. Sure therapists and pharmaceutical companies and New Age life coaches are reaping the benefits of adults still dealing with painful middle school memories. They're preying on the survivors. The ones who made it out, however emotionally scarred they may be.

The truth is that everyone doesn't make it out of middle school alive.

Yesterday, Daniel Fitzpatrick's family buried the body of their 13 year-old son. On Thursday, Daniel's older sister found him dead, hanging from a belt in the attic. "I gave up," Daniel wrote in a long letter about his struggles with school bullying.

Only thirteen. It's sad and tragic and horrible in a way that just can't be put into words, but makes me hug my own pretten a little tighter with a huge sense of gratitude tinged with a kind of panicky fear. How could something like this happen?

Source: Facebook

Daniel Fitzpatrick's tragic suicide, so close to the start of the new school year, has brought the subject of bullying back into the national spotlight.

And so we're forced to endure hashtag activism from formerly bullied B-list actors. In the coming months, we might see some cheesy PSAs that are supposed to be designed to plant seeds of hope inside the hearts of suffering kids. New legislation will be introduced in city council meetings. Zero-tolerance policies will be added to student handbooks all across the country (You know, the kind that place guilt on innocent bystanders who witness bullying but do nothing? The policies that directly contradict the zero tolerance policies about violence? Do nothing and you're screwed. Stand up to an asshole by implementing a well-timed throat punch and you're screwed, too.)

Local school systems will be forking out loads of their scant funds on the social program du jour: Anti-bullying campaigns. There are a bunch, many of them making wild claims about their effectiveness at creating "bully-free schools". For only a large investment of funds these companies will help school systems implement their programs. It's a win/win, right? The company makes money, the CEO earns enough to buy a beach house somewhere posh, and the school kids get a drama-free, totally smooth, non-psychologically scarring educational experience.

Except that doesn't happen.

At least not the last part, but that beach house is totally bitchin'.

The bullying doesn't stop. In fact, research shows that students who attend schools with anti-bullying programs are actually more likely to experience bullying than students at schools that lack a program. Statistics make it easy to think maybe all of this anti-bullying hooplah is just a money-making scheme with a social agenda to make us feel good about what we aren't actually doing.

I'm no bullying expert, at least not aside from my own middle school experiences (as well as more than a few parental interventions on behalf of my own children), but maybe, just maybe, it has something to do with the focus on what to do with the bullies.

We believe that bullies are evil incarnate and must be stopped, shamed, suspended, embarrassed, and exorcised right out of our school systems. We must search it out and exterminate it. For the children.

But sometimes the definition of bullying is so vague that almost anything that almost kinda sorta makes anyone uncomfortable might fall into the category. It has often been said that the harder you look for something, the more likely you are to find it. Does searching out bullies and bullying, actually create the thing we are trying to prevent? Because we are looking for it so we can stamp it out before it gets out of hand even if it isn't really there in the first place.

Maybe in doing so, we aren't giving kids the chance to learn the skills to manage disappointment and adversity all on their own. Adults and our anti-bullying campaigns will swoop in with our super hero red capes to save them. We wouldn't want little Johnny to feel sad. We can't tolerate anything that might even have the slightest hint of bullying.

I get that suicide is horrible and tragic. I get that Daniel Fitzpatrick's might have been prevented, and that makes it all the more horrible and tragic.

Daniel Fitzpatrick told his teachers. No one swooped in with a red cape to save him.

I can't help but wonder if we are focusing on the wrong things.

Maybe we shouldn't be lurking around corners trying to catch someone being mean or shouting about the evils of bullies. Maybe instead we should be trying to create more resilient people.

A child who knows that they are worth something, not because they've been told this through empty platitudes, but because they have proven it to themselves and others, children who understand respect and empathy aren't just better able to deal with the stress of being bullied... they are also less likely to be the bully.

It's weird how that works. By building up kids, creating situations where they can build their own self-esteem, prove to themselves that they are valuable and capable and strong, we can better prevent bullying than we could with any pre-packaged, over-priced, flashy program or zero-tolerance policy. Because bullies bully for many of the same reasons that kids suffer from bullying (low self-esteem for example).

We can't always be the ones with the capes, swooping in to save the weak. We need to give the weak their own capes and let them save the day for themselves. We need kids who can adapt to stress, who have a capacity to overcome and even be strengthened by life's adversities, instead of weak kids who need a safe space because words hurt.

Because adversity doesn't only exist on school playgrounds or within the cold cinder block walls of schools named after dead presidents. There are difficult human beings that we will have to encounter through all stages of our lives. I've dealt with bigger, meaner bullies as an adult than I ever faced as a school kid (and that's saying something considering how my "best friend" treated me in 7th grade). And once out in the real world, dealing with asshole neighbors and co-workers and government employees and waitresses with issues, there won't be any expensive anti-bullying programs to hide behind when people are mean. We can't shelter children from ever hurtful word or mean person and then expect them to magically deal with them once they turn eighteen.

We need to be focusing on raising kids who can suck it up, who can cope with hardship, who have such a confident sense of self that it doesn't make them feel less when someone doesn't like them. And yeah... we probably need kids with a sense of humor, ones who don't get completely butt-hurt when someone says something slightly crude or demeaning or inappropriate (like "butt-hurt" for example).

A kid with strong qualities like that... well, it won't matter what someone throws at them. Unless it's a wild right hook. But you can sign them up for martial arts classes to help them deal with that (Funny thing is: martial arts helps foster all of those other anti-bully qualities like self-respect, confidence, and tenacity, too. But that's a whole other blog topic).

I'm just saying that maybe, just maybe, it isn't about the bullies. Maybe it's never been about the bullies. Maybe we just need to raise better kids.

Maybe we just need to teach our kids to both literally and figuratively take a punch and have them keep on swinging. Maybe there are better things we can spend our money on than ineffective yet sanctimoniously satisfying anti-bullying programs. (Shameless martial arts plug: Karate only costs about $60 a month. That's way cheaper than the thousands the school systems spend on those stupid campaigns... Just sayin'.)

10 Ways Playing Outside Will Make Your Kid Smarter

When I was a kid, I lived outside. Most warm evenings would have me and most of the neighborhood kids riding bikes, building forts, catching lightning bugs, or just laying in the grass until the streetlights blinked on or our mothers called us for dinner. I grew up in an age when organized athletics for five year olds were rare, when parents didn't orchestrate their children's every waking moment, when mothers and fathers didn't feel so pressured for their kids to perform and succeed. There was an abundance of free time and my mother didn't want me in her hair. I am a much better person for it.

Today, the average American child spends as little as 30 minutes outside in unstructured play each day. Let's be honest, that's not enough time to organize a game of stickball or terrorize the neighborhood in a bicycle gang or even to get lost in thought lying in the warm spring grass. What are our kids doing with their time? Most of it is spent indoors behind a desk or dazed behind an electronic screen. The average American child spends as much as seven hours using electronics every day.

It's a sad fact that our kids would generally rather FaceTime with their friends than actually play with them.

But aside from "free time" spent on computers and tablets and cell phones, parents are overly concerned with artificially enriching their children's lives. Organized sports, and dance classes, and math camps, and scouts are where parents want their kids to spend their "extra" time. By organizing and carefully constructing a childhood, they hope to give their kids a leg up in the human rat race.

It's a common thought that if a child isn't spending time in school achieving academic excellence, then they should be studying and completing worksheets, and if there is still time left over, they should be engaged in carefully coordinated activities designed to make them better, smarter, higher-achieving people. All of this is going to have to go down on college applications one day, so we might as well start now and make it look good.

But there is no "extra" time. Kids are like us, they only have time. There's nothing extra, and too much is sucked up by living a script someone else has created for them. Kids need to write their own scripts, just like adults. They need freedom. And quite often, they need to be outside and engaged in free play to become whole human beings.

Parents, if you're worried about your kid getting into Harvard (and if so, I argue that you might be worried about the wrong things, but that's a subject for another blog post), you still might want them to back away from the worksheets and violin practice and just go outside. There are a number of ways that playing outside makes kids smarter.

1. Playing outside improves focus. A 2008 study from the University of Michigan explored the cognitive benefits of interacting with nature. The study found that just walking outside, no matter the weather, and no matter whether the experience was actually enjoyable, helped improve memory and attention by 20 percent. So even when they don't want to put down the tablet, and they complain about being miserable, just send them outside anyway.

2. Playing outside stimulates creativity. During open-ended play, kids have to make up ways to entertain themselves instead of relying on adults to do it for them. Being outdoors where there are rocks and dirt and sticks presents limitless opportunities for play experiences. No two playtimes will end up looking exactly the same. Being outside presents a plethora of opportunities for imaginative play, creative building, and inventive activities.

3. Playing outside promotes problem solving. During free outdoor play, children make up their own rules. They learn what works and what doesn't. They learn when to keep trying and when to try something else. If playing with other children, they learn what types of interactions promote cooperation and which cause frustration. By solving their own childhood problems, they'll be much more independent problem solvers as adults. Practice makes perfect in this area of life. If never given the chance to practice solving their own problems, how can we expect them to magically do it once they turn eighteen?

4. Playing outside develops leadership skills. Playing together outside, children must negotiate rules of games and the roles they play in them. Natural leadership skills will be developed as they play. No special workshops or lessons required.

5. Playing outside improves language skills. Children are so often told that they must be quiet indoors. "Use your quiet, indoor voice," we often hear teachers tell their young pupils. But outside, children are free to be loud. Instead of others encouraging them to hush, they can experience a freedom to speak that the indoors doesn't always provide. Many children (especially boys) are able to find their voices outdoors. And cooperative play, gives plenty of opportunities to communicate with one another. Children may issue instructions to each other on the building of a fort or the intricate rules of a spontaneous game.

Being outdoors always creates a lush context for vocabulary development, too. From discovering tiny animals, to expressing changing weather and seasons, to describing the texture rich environment of trees and stones, children are encouraged by the outdoors to try out new words and make them their own.

6. Playing outside is multi-sensory. During outdoor play, a child uses all of his senses: touch, sight, hearing, smell, and even taste (If I had a dollar for every time I told a child, "Don't put that in your mouth!"). Not all children learn the same way. By opening up experiences to all of a child's senses, we help each child learn in their own unique way.

7. Playing outside relieves stress. It's no secret that today's kids are stressed out. As many as one in eight children and 20 percent of teens suffer from severe anxiety disorders. Modern children face pressure to perform from their parents, their teachers, and their schools. Children and their parents start thinking about colleges as early as kindergarten, and school systems place a huge emphasis on student test scores. It's no wonder our children feel stressed out. But more than 100 research studies have shown that time spent outdoors reduces stress, anxiety, and depression. The cure for childhood depression and anxiety is literally waiting right outside our door. And a relaxed and unworried person makes a better learner.

8. Playing outside makes children healthier. You might not think that healthier equals smarter, but sick kids miss school and can easily fall behind. Besides, learning is more difficult when you don't feel well. Spending time outdoors strengthens immune systems, making children healthier and less prone to catching common illnesses, and therefore less likely to miss school.

9. Playing outside encourages physical activity. Outside, children are free to run and jump and climb. There are opportunities to be physically active that just aren't available in most indoor environments. There is a growing body of research that shows how physical activity positively affects brain health. Here are just a few:

• A 2007 study from Columbia University discovered that regular exercise increased blood flow by 30 percent to the part of the brain responsible for memory and learning. 
• Psychologists at the University of of Illinois found that physically fit children scored better in a series of cognitive challenges.
• A 2007 German study discovered that after exercise, people learned vocabulary words 20 percent faster than before they exercised.
• A Swedish study showed that cardiovascular fitness is associated with cognition in young adulthood. The researchers hypothesize that aerobic activity produces specific growth factors and proteins that stimulate the brain. 

10. Playing outside is fun. Learning is easier and longer lasting when it is fun. Being outdoors riding bikes with friends, organizing neighborhood "army" battles, and rushing to home base in impromptu games of tag are just plain fun. Those are the experiences that will stick with kids long after they've grown up and moved on to the "real world".

So if you want your kid to get into Harvard, you might just want them to step away from the homework and just go outside and play. They'll be smart for it... and certainly happier, too. 

I Have Something To Say To Parenting Critics

Today, I am feeling vindicated. It's been a long time coming and a tough road to get here.

This is a post for the parenting critics, the family and friends, neighbors and acquaintances, who judged and disapproved, either publicly or silently. It's for everyone who looked at me and my children when we were in the trenches of raising and growing, and scowled or gossiped or criticized. It's for people who made snide comments or called my children names. For everyone who thought I was ruining my children.

Raising kids is hard. It is inherently difficult to just get through the long days, keeping everyone alive and fed and the house standing. It wears on the body through exhaustion and the mind through constant stress. There is already a high level of self-doubt that goes hand-in-hand with being a mother. No one wants to raise a serial killer or a lazy freeloader or someone who orders a well-done filet mignon at a nice restaurant. Because the stakes are so high and we love our children so much, it's easy to freak out and overstress. It's a miracle if we get to the end of this parenting gig without an ulcer. I'm losing my hair.

There are already enough "parenting experts" out there to offer advice and judgement for everything a parent does in raising their children, but when I chose the road less traveled, to veer from the mass-American parenting herd, to do my own research and think for myself, the critics came out of the woodwork like swarms of bugs.

So this post is for whoever called the Department of Social Services after my son's home birth with accusations of neglect and endangerment.

It is for the family members who openly criticized my nursing toddlers and my decision to let my young children take the lead in the weaning process. For everyone who thought I was making my children too dependant, who believed they would never be able to function without Mama.

For the critics who thought that sharing sleep with my school-aged children would make them sissies, who thought my children would never learn to be independent.

It is for the people who questioned our decision to homeschool, thinking we couldn't challenge them intellectually and that they wouldn't gain the social skills they would need to function in the real world. It is for my children's "friends" who told them repeatedly that homeschool kids weren't as smart as kids who went to "real" school.

It is for the neighborhood ladies who fussed about my barefooted children running up and down the street, waving sticks and being loud. For the ones who thought it better if children were kept indoors and made to walk in orderly lines, rather than allowed to roam free and play outside.

It's for the family friend at Thanksgiving dinner who suggested I beat my child because he was "being mean" to hers.

This is for everyone who viewed us in the midst of the process and jumped to conclusions about how my children would turn out.

You were wrong.

I know that you saw a  whining toddler, tired and frustrated, who was comforted only by nursing. It was easy for you to think he should be less dependant. It was easy to blame the unusual practice of child-led weaning on his apparent over-attachment to his mother.

I know that you saw an eight year-old child who couldn't fall asleep without his mother's presence and you thought I was babying him, stunting his emotional development. It was unusual to see young children, at least in our country, who aren't forced to bed in dark rooms by themselves each night, forbidden to enter the comforting presence of their parents after 9 PM.

I know that you saw my children struggling with reading and multiplication tables. You saw me slowly move at their pace and you wondered why I didn't push them more, wondered how they would ever keep up with their peers.

I know that you saw my children running free and making noise and being wild and you wondered why I didn't tame them. You wondered how they would ever learn manners or civility.

But you see, I wasn't looking at my children as they were in the moment. Because I wasn't raising children. I was raising people. I was raising adults. How they needed to be in the moment at age two or eight or eleven didn't matter all that much to me. I was making decisions in my parenting approach that I believed with deep conviction would help produce mature, emotionally healthy, well-rounded, intelligent men and women.

And here we are. Just look at them.

My oldest just turned twenty. He's a well-informed freethinker and a registered voter. He's a second degree blackbelt in karate. He's held down a steady job since he turned seventeen. He pays his own bills, owns his own vehicle, and has a generous chunk of money saved. He has joined the US Army (which has been a goal of his forever) and leaves for basic training in under three weeks. He is thoughtful, confident, independent, intelligent, and polite. He isn't who you thought he would be at all.

His sister is 17. While she isn't quite considered an adult by Society's standards, she is definitely not awkward or stunted. After being homeschooled until 9th grade, she is now top of her class at an alternative early college program where she completely and independently keeps up with her own schedule. She has an active social life and a large group of friends. She has a job and pays her own bills. And she recently participated in a scholarship competition which included an individual interview by a panel of judges, speaking on stage to a crowded auditorium, a talent performance, and a scholastic overview. She won! Not bad for an awkward sissy homeschooler, huh?

And I have two more fabulous children coming behind them. Just wait to see what they accomplish. Just wait to see the people they are becoming. I assure you it isn't awkward, or unmotivated, or shy, or dependent.

So listen up, anyone who ever thought I was ruining my children. Listen up, everyone who said mean things or thought mean thoughts about the way I was raising them. I have something very important to tell you.

In.

Your.

Face!

The Danger of Raising Freethinkers Through Radical Parenting

I've been in kind of an unexplainable funk this week. Not depressed exactly. More melancholy. Perhaps pensive. Basically, I've floated through life the past few days quietly wondering what is bothering me without finding any real answers. But this morning, halfway through my second cup of coffee, I think I finally figured it out.

I'm in the middle of the Long Goodbye. Currently my three teenage children are actively working on their exit strategies. They are planning their jump from the family nest, taking steps farther and farther away, waving farewell the whole time. The oldest leaves for basic training in just over 10 weeks. His sister is actively researching out-of-state colleges because she desperately needs to experience life outside of this limiting small town (Yes, I said "needs". She needs to stretch her wings as desperately as she needs to breathe). And the fourteen year-old is  planning to leave homeschooling, applying to an early college program with long-term goals that include a career in technology and perhaps the military.

They are all leaving, as I knew they someday would. (Except the youngest. She still has plans to live with us forever. Right now, I'm okay with that.) But I didn't realize how this long process of saying goodbye would twist my heart. I didn't realize just how long this process of leaving would stretch, that I would watch them go by weeks, months, years at a time.

With three kids perched on the threshold of freedom and independence, I've pondered how they will look back on this nest once they've flown. How will they remember their childhood when they are safely on the other side of it?

Right now, it's hard to tell. I figure they will either remember their childhood as wonderful, their parents as the most wickedly awesome parents EVER! . . . or they will think we were absolute complete and utter weirdos.

Either one is fine with me.

My well-loved freethinkers

That's the danger and the beauty of raising free-thinkers. They won't all grow up to agree with my methods of child-rearing. They might just grow up and look back at their childhoods and think their parents were totally wacked-out dingbat crazy people. I don't expect them all to think exactly like me. In fact if that happens, I will have utterly failed as a parent.

For certain, they haven't had the experience of "the typical American childhood". Home birth, cloth diapers, extended breastfeeding, whole foods, freedom, homeschooling. None of those things are mainstream.

My children will know that their parents never just followed the herd. We looked beyond cultural norms. We didn't resort to the easy road, often risking social ostracization to give them the best start in life we thought possible. In everything, in even the smallest of decisions, we made a conscious effort to thoroughly research and deliberate the life we were creating for them. My children won't be able to deny that we, their parents, embraced a parenting style we believed in down in our very core, in spite of there being easier, more mainstream, less alienating paths to travel.

I hope they know that we tried. We really sincerely and wholeheartedly tried. I hope they know that they were loved and cherished, that everything we did, no matter how counter-culture and lunatic fringe it may seem once they are out in the world, we did because there has been nothing in life that we've taken more seriously than being their parents.

It's going to be interesting to see where they go once they've left this cozy, yet radical little nest. They might turn out to be rebels and revolutionaries. . . Or they might be happier choosing to conform, to integrate, to not make waves. In that case, they'll probably look back with nostalgic hindsight and think that their parents were screwball nutcases. I'll at least know that they weren't pre-programmed that way. These kids know how to think for themselves (thanks to their screwball nutcase parents).

I just hope that in any case, they will remember how much they are loved. And maybe in that remembering, they'll still move mountains to make it home for Thanksgiving dinner.

Self-Esteem, Hip Tosses, and Bad Internet Quotes

On Monday night, I watched my tiny eleven year-old daughter hip toss three grown men. (Don't worry, it was during a karate class. She's not out thugging on the streets.) The average weight of her victims is well over 200 pounds and one of them, at almost 6' 2" towers over her by significantly more than a foot. She accepted the challenge with confidence and skill. It seemed almost effortless on her part as body after body landed with a booming thud on the mat. It was a thing of beauty.

Her performance was met with light applause and some pats on the back, a few high fives from the adults she had thrown. She beamed. I know she's still thinking about it several days later, because she keeps bringing it up in conversation. She has commented on how easy it seemed and how surprised and pleased she was by that. She's anxious to do it again and can't wait for the next opportunity. She is so apparently proud of herself (as she should be. Not every eleven year-old kid spends their days flinging hefty grown-ups around).

Those short moments when she hoisted those heavy men and slammed them on the floor, and the moments afterward when she basked in her accomplishment boosted her self-confidence and self-esteem in ways I never could have accomplished as her mother . There are not sufficient compliments or assurances or affirmations I could have whispered in her ear. And while I could have perhaps tossed those men (although admittedly without the grace and skill she mustered) for her... it wouldn't have had the same benefit.

Within hours of watching my daughter bask in the thrill of accomplishment, I saw something online that was so starkly contradictory to her experience.  There are a few nifty little internet inspirational images floating around out there with a quote from Alvin Price. It seems like a nice enough saying. Plus it's most often paired with the stereotypical cheesy picture of small children smiling or playing on the beach, but I think it might be sending the wrong message to parents who sincerely want their children to be successful.

"Parents need to fill a child's bucket of self-esteem so high that the rest of the world can't poke enough holes to drain it dry..."

Perhaps I cringe a little because I am imagining a hovering mother shouting praises at her child all day  long for the most insignificant things, telling him how wonderful he is, how smart, how attractive, how proud she is of him. The quote conjures up super-sappy mom pouring platitudes of praise into her bratty little kid's puffed up ego.

But it's all a sham.

You see, there's a huge difference between egotism and self-esteem. Egotism is a superficially inflated opinion of one's self-importance. It's superficial because the poor waif hasn't done anything to feel good about himself. He just thinks he's wonderful because Mommy and Daddy have told him again and again and again how special and talented and awesome he is. Egotism is what is built daily by overly complimentary parents. Filling a child's bucket with unsubstantiated praise doesn't defend him against the holes the world tries to poke - and the world is a cruel and heartless place sometimes that's all too willing to poke ginormous holes in a person's self-esteem.

I admit that I haven't read any of Alvin Price's work. It's quite possible that this quote has been taken out of context and isn't at all cringe-worthy. However, it's easy for parents to forget about the most important part of self-esteem... SELF.

Self-esteem comes from inside, not outside. That's what self means.

My daughter's feelings of confidence and accomplishment didn't come from compliments or hollow praise. She was proud of herself. She knew she had done something worthwhile, and she felt good about herself because of it.

That's how self-esteem - real self-esteem - is built. It's not a bucket that can be filled by the parents at all. It must come from inside the child. It comes from achievement. It comes from setting goals and reaching them, from taking on challenges and conquering them, from setting expectations and surpassing them. The most parents can do is put their children in situations that foster those inner feelings of pride and accomplishment.

And sometimes the self-esteem is formed BECAUSE of those holes the world keeps trying to poke. Overcoming adversity builds confidence and self-assurance. Maybe those holes aren't so evil. Maybe they are just opportunities for your child to plug them up all on his own, and then feel good about it. Not because his parents told him he was clever, but because he proved it to himself. Nobody can take that away from him.

Sometimes those holes come in the form of big, heavy grown-ups.

Sometimes all it takes is a good hip toss to plug those holes back up again.

There's More To Learning Than Getting Good Grades

Last night was the awards program at my daughter's school. (An update for the new readers: My oldest daughter escaped from homeschooling, past the moats and hungry alligators, to enter a local Early College High School program. She's currently finishing up her second year in the program.)

She is a Capricorn with a strong perfectionist streak which she legitimately inherited from me. Also being highly competitive (even when the other competitors don't realize they are in a competition) and being pretty freakin' smart, she totally racked up on some awards. In fact, she got a pretty good leg workout from all those trips up the stage steps... and maybe a good bicep workout from the handshakes with faculty members. She's going to be so buff this summer!

As her mom, I sat in the audience in an appropriately dowdy outfit, snapping pictures and cheering with just enough restraint to not embarrass her too badly. Then I called her grandparents and then bragged about her achievements on social media... because that's my job.

I'm proud of her accomplishments. She has showed an amazing work ethic and some serious determination... and a knack for playing the game. I don't in any way want to take away from her achievements. They are incredible, and I am kind of in awe of her. The grades she is making now will likely land her a college education that her parents couldn't otherwise afford.

I just hope she understands (and I really think she does, because she's smart beyond regurgitating the answers that teachers and standardized tests are looking for) that there is far more to life than good grades, that there is, in fact, a huge difference between performance and actual learning.

Unfortunately, our school systems have an accepted (even praised) protocol of grades, standardized test scores, contests, competition, awards and recognition. In her two relatively short years in the system, my daughter has already walked away with what the system would deem success. She does, after all, have a scrapbook bulging with achievement awards and merit certificates.

But competitions and contests can be enemies of learning. Students can become more interested in beating people, of out-performing their peers, than they are in actually learning something. The competition can also drive struggling students to give up, because they just can't perform on the same level, they can't compete with their higher achieving classmates. Along the way, all of them can lose their intrinsic desire to learn and can become suspicious of their peers. When you find yourself in competition with others, you might hesitate to share ideas or help one another understand even basic concepts.

Thinking can become superficial as students learn to recite desired answers and produce work that pleases those in authority. The system's worship of the Almighty A, of good grades and standardized test scores, comes often at the detriment of students' passion and excitement and even their psychological well-being. Testing and performance are so emphasized that some students come away from exam week with something akin to PTSD.

It's dumb.

Grades are dumb.

They are really just a superficial way to measure compliance and conformity, not things of real value like critical thinking and creative problem solving... those are the skills kids will need to lead society's future, and the public school system will be hard-pressed to find a bubble sheet to measure them. So while I know that my daughter enjoys the thrill of the good grade pursuit, I hope she remembers the real and valuable things about learning.

I'm proud of my daughter, but not necessarily because of her GPA. Her work ethic and her desire to dive into a subject for deeper understanding, her ability to think her way through a problem, of entertaining opinions other than her own (or her teachers'), of reading with passion beyond the assigned material, the way she learns from her mistakes and adapts to many different situations... those are the things I hope stick with her. Those are the things I'm most proud of...

And she didn't get a certificate for that.

8 Reasons Why I Am The Meanest Mom In The Whole Wide World

Today I am the meanest mom in the world. Right now, my youngest child is writhing in agony on the floor because I am so horribly mean. I would probably be horribly ashamed of myself if I weren't slightly amused by her misery.

I'm a terribly, nasty, vile human being because... I'm forcing her to walk the dog and complete one household chore before I'll allow her to waste time on any electronic device.

I mean seriously, I already forced her to eat breakfast and finish schoolwork. I also required her to get dressed and brush her hair. Oh, the horror of my maternal torture!

But that's just the torment I've inflicted this morning. My children keep an entire list of reasons I am the meanest mother in the world (if not the whole entire universe).

1. I make them pay for their own stuff. Horrible, right? That's the way the adult world works. Because I don't want my kids living in my basement for the rest of their lives (You might think this is me being mean, but you're wrong. It's dark and moldy and gross down there), so I make them pay for the toys and gadgets and other stuff they want. I even make my teenagers pay for their own cell phone service. (Gasp!) I want them to realize that things have price tags and aren't just handed out as favors from the universe. I also think that if they pay for their stuff, they'll appreciate it more and maybe take better care of it. I figure if they aren't willing to spend their own money on something... they probably didn't want it all that badly in the first place.

2. I make them do hard things. Life isn't easy. Especially the things in life that are worth accomplishing. I don't automatically step in and take over when things get hard. I've watched them struggle through difficult belt tests in karate. I've stood by as they've had difficult confrontations with significant others and best friends. I've watched them struggle through the sometimes difficult consequences of their own bad decisions. And as much as I've wanted to throw on my Super Mom cape and swoop in to save them, I've stood by watching and biting my nails in stress in frustration instead. Sure, I've shouted encouragement from the sidelines, but I've let them struggle because I sincerely believe that working their way through the tough stuff will make them better people. Callous, aren't I?

3. I make them do chores... for FREE! I don't believe in paying my kids to help out around the house. It's my opinion that as members of this home, they should all pitch in to ensure its smooth functioning. Everyone who lives here helps keep this family running. That means the kids often take out the garbage, wash the dishes, fold laundry, pull weeds, sweep floors, and feed pets. And I don't pay them any cash money to do it. I might seem like an insensitive, abusive slave driver breaking all kinds of child labor laws, but if they don't help, that leaves me doing everything... and nobody's going to pay ME to do it.

4. I gave them watches and alarm clocks. They are responsible for getting to school or work or other obligations (including curfew) on time... not me. If they end up late, they will harvest the consequences. I feel like they'll be better off in the long run if they learn the responsibility of managing their own time. I'm not always going to be available to remind them to turn off the TV, put on pants, and get to where they need to be.

5. I let them feel loss. When they break or lose their things, I don't replace them. I'm just that mean. Instead, they have to deal with the consequences, either replacing it themselves or going without. There's a valuable lesson about taking care of things that matter which can't be learned without suffering through losing something. This goes back to learning responsibility. I admit that the side benefit to responsible kids is having them constantly remind me of things I forget... like my car keys. Where did I put those again?

6. I limit screen time. As much as they would like to waste away their lives and their health staring mindlessly at an electronic screen (whether television, computer, or tablet), I am constantly thwarting their plans. I step in to remind them that there is a life worth living away from the computer. They think I never let them do anything, but I still feel like I let them turn their brains to mush with passive entertainment far too frequently. Still, I make them interact with real human beings, and get fresh air, and exercise body parts other than their rapidly texting thumbs on a daily basis.

7. I stick by age limits. Most of our family's age requirements were determined with child number one (A.K.A the Parenting Guinea Pig), but we stick by our guns. No riding in the front seat until age 12. No social media accounts until age 13. No solo dating or rated M video games until age 16. This one might be hardest on the kids because "all of their friends are doing it", but I'm not raising a herd of lemmings. I'm not jumping off that parental bridge, and I don't want my kids going down with me. Besides, it gives them milestones of sorts to look forward to. It also helps me from falling into that alluring pit of the double standard. "You let my brother do that at 15!" will not happen if they are all held to the same age requirements.

It's been a delight to watch them on those milestone birthdays as they ride shotgun for the first time or carefully plan out their Facebook profiles months in advance. I'll admit there is a part of me (perhaps a very naive part) that because they've respected their parent-enforced age limits, hopes they'll respect other (arguably more important) age rules in regards to alcohol and such. We'll see how that turns out.

8. I hug them before bed. Every. Single. Night. Whether they like it or not. Even the 19 year-old. Because I love them... which is really the reason behind all of the things that make me The Meanest Mom in The Whole Wide World.

Mothers Don't Matter (Except They Kind of Do)

Hold onto your yoga pants, moms. A new study published this week in The Journal of Marriage and Family addressed a question that plagues mothers everywhere with heaping tons of mom guilt: Do I spend enough time with my child?

The mom guilt runs deep with this one, because moms are always wondering, "could I do more?" No matter which side of the Mommy War battlefield we may find ourselves on, it is the universal pesteringly persistent concern all mothers share. Mothers at work worry that they spend too much time earning a living and not enough time engaged with their children. Stay-at-home mothers worry that they spend too much time cleaning the refrigerator and sorting laundry and not enough time engaged with their children.

But guess what... according to research, it doesn't matter (at least it kinda doesn't).

Surprisingly, there seems to be zero correlation between emotional health, academic performance, or behavior and how much time mothers spend with their children. Zero. As in no effect AT ALL.

The research, led by a trio of sociologists, examined children between the ages of 3 and 18. (I will point out a huge flaw in their conclusion: They didn't consider motherhood involvement in the lives of babies and toddlers, which might just be the most important and foundational stage of a person's life. So stop crying into your dish towels, ladies... you might still matter!)

Thank you researchers for making me question the value of what I've been doing with my time and energy for the past 19 years!

But wait... there seems to be one important exception with one important element at one important stage in a child's life.

Adolescence.

"Moms matter because they buy you coffee!"

Just when you thought you were home-free, when you thought you could pretty much leave them to their own devices, that you could skip town for the weekend and you didn't have to worry about them starving to death or wandering off and getting lost. Just when you thought you could let your guard down a little. Just when you thought the hard part was over.

The researchers found that the more engaged time mothers spent with their teenage children, the less likely those children were to engage in delinquent acts (which included everything from lying to being arrested). The effect was admittedly statistically small... but definitely there. And we moms are used to clinging to small fragile strands of hope (or is that sanity? I can't remember. They might be the same thing.)

Mother Nature has a grand sense of humor, doesn't she? The point in life where our kids are pushing us away, is the time they seem to need us most.

And the stakes are so much higher. At three, they might flush a bunch of Legos down the commode while no one is paying attention. A situation easily (though perhaps expensively) fixed by a call to the plumber. At sixteen, they might be having unprotected sex, or binge drinking, or skipping school while no one is paying attention... actions that can have life-long and often tragic consequences.

I'm going to get all science-y here for a minute. During adolescence, the brain's prefrontal cortex is still developing. Which means, even though they might look like adults, they pretty much suck at decision-making and impulse control. Also, their brains are awash in dopamine, a neurotransmitter that controls the brain's reward and pleasure centers. This means that they tend to overestimate the rewards they'll reap from their risk-taking. Translation: they live dangerously and make bad decisions and their brains are more susceptible to drug addiction (Thank you, dopamine). Fun times.

Adolescence is the stuff parental horror movies are made of:  children walking around in adult bodies, making adult decisions, but without the benefit of adult brains. It's enough to make me want to run screaming in terror and hide under my bed until it's all over.

But this is when they need me most. Even if I can make just an infinitesimally small difference in their lives, I'm jumping in full force, both feet, no holds barred. I'll be right here engaged and present. I'll ask questions and seek their opinions and strike up conversation so frequently that they'll probably strain an eyeball muscle from all the eye rolls they'll shoot my way.

But I don't care. There's a lot at stake here. I love these people immensely. I'll do whatever it takes. I stuck it out through the years of poopy diapers and sleepless nights and singing twenty-seven consecutive verses of The Wheels on the Bus. I can do this. After all, conversations at this age are way more interesting. I remember when they thought a half hour conversation about Thomas the Tank Engine was the most riveting thing ever.

You know that parenting advice that gets shoved our way by well-meaning family and friends (and librarians and baristas and dentists and homeless people...), the advice that says "Kids need you to be their parent, not their friend"...that one?

Well guess what...

 They need us to be both.

Ten Reasons Your Children Should Be Outside Right Now

Today was one of those rare late winter days that gives a glimpse into what the coming Spring holds. It was unseasonably warm and sunny and just generally pleasant. A quick glimpse of the weather forecast assured me that it wouldn't last. The temperatures are expected to plummet us back to our regularly scheduled bitter winter weather.

So I forced the kids to get outside and play.

It shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone that kids these days just aren't getting outside very much. Drive through any suburban neighborhood on a Saturday and the groups of bicycling youngsters and impromptu street football games that were so common just a couple of decades ago just aren't there.

Corralled indoors by over-protective parents and the allure of passive electronic entertainment (Did you know that the average American kid spends 53 hours a week using entertainment media? Where do they find the time?), today's kids are missing out on the vast benefits of being outdoors. Here are some reasons to make Little Johnny back away from the game controller, slip on some shoes (or not... but it might be cold outside), and head out into nature. He might grumble and complain, but someday he'll thank you for it.

And you should probably get up and head out there with him. There are plenty of benefits for adults, too.

1. Exercise. Childhood obesity is a growing epidemic that has more than doubled in the past decade and is the most visible symptom of sedentary indoor life. Children's bodies were made to move, to run and jump and climb, not sit for hours on end with only thumbs in motion over game controllers or tapping out texts to their "friends". It is in the outdoors, where big movements don't threaten expensive furniture, fragile heirlooms, or parental sanity that children are likely to burn the most calories.

2. Sleep. Exposure to sunshine stimulates the pineal gland, a small endocrine gland located deep in the brain, releasing melatonin which helps to regulate sleep patterns. It's not just an old wives tale that playing outside makes children sleep better. It's a biological fact.

3. Happier Mood. Sunlight also boosts the body's level of the hormone seratonin. Seratonin is a neurotransmitter that helps regulate mood, memory, and appetite. More sunlight means less depression and happier kids. So if your kid is feeling sulky or irritable or just generally grumpy, he might just need a trip outside. There was a reason our mothers sent us to play outside when we were sullen and grouchy. They knew what they were doing without reading all the newest scientific research.

4.Healthy Immune System. Playing in the dirt actually makes kids healthier. The body learns by doing (just like the brain) and early exposure to germs teaches the body the proper immune response to foreign invaders. As an added bonus, sunshine on bare skin stimulates the body's production of Vitamin D which helps the body fight off infection and helps prevent the development of autoimmune diseases (like rheumatoid arthritis). Research in adults suggests that Vitamin D helps lower the chance of developing heart disease, diabetes, and certain types of cancer. (Really great reasons to get outdoors ourselves. Playing outside isn't just for the very young.)

5. Social Skills. Free and unstructured play with peers outdoors helps children develop problem-solving and cooperation skills. Even if neighborhood playmates just aren't available, playing alone outside improves self-awareness and self-discipline, handy tools in later interpersonal relationships.

6. Improved Learning. Studies have shown that being outside, even for just a few minutes, helps people diagnosed with ADHD to better focus. Other surveys indicate that schools still offering students free-play recess have higher test scores (While admittedly not always the best indicator of actual learning, it is the one most readily available). Being outside also helps improve memory, which proves that trees and fields and flowers are the best cognitive enhancers.

7. Free Thought. Spontaneous, self-initiated play outdoors fosters independence, ingenuity, and resourcefulness in a way that structured and supervised play does not. Highly structured rote learning (like the kind seen in most modern classrooms) creates a population of factory workers prepared to follow instructions. Unstructured play develops creativity and sparks imagination. It inspires individual problem solving and self-directed exploration. Free outdoor play produces innovators and pioneers, people who aren't afraid to step outside the accepted boundaries of conformed thought and make groundbreaking discoveries.

8. Stress Relief. While it might seem absurd to suggest that children suffer from stress, you might want to consider the pressure they experience daily to test well, get good grades, and sit still and quiet for hours on end in the school environment. For a kid, school life can be incredibly stressful. Studies have shown that people spending time in nature have lower levels of cortisol (a hormone released during times of stress). Also, among office workers (and our kids' classrooms are often very similar to sterile office environments), even a glimpse of nature through a window is associated with lowered stress and higher satisfaction.

9. Better Vision. A rather large body of research proves outdoor play has a protective effect on children's eyesight. "Increasing time spent outdoors may be a simple strategy by which the the risk of developing myopia (nearsightedness) and its progression in children and adolescents," concluded one 2012 study published by the American Academy of Ophthalmology.

10. Hope For The Future. In a world where the important things are often cast aside for what we want right now, it's important to develop forward thinking, especially in the future generation. One study suggests that exposure to nature helps us to focus into the future, perhaps helping develop real solutions to long-term problems like resource exploitation, population growth, substance abuse, and the obesity epidemic. So while Little Johnny is focusing on rolling in the grass at this very moment, he may actually be developing the kind of forward thinking that just might save us all.

Raising Kids Who Question Authority

"Please stop cracking your knuckles."

My son was riding shot gun in the minivan. I was having a particularly rough parenting day. I felt annoyed and short-tempered and edgy and I really just wanted him to stop.

"Why?" he asked me mid-crunch.

"Because it's dangerous," I said. "You might pop something important. And it will cause problems later in life." I didn't really want to tell him he was annoying the snot out of me. This sounded better, plus I was pretty sure I was right.

As a kid, my father had been insistent that I shouldn't pop my knuckles. He would show me his swollen and twisted slightly-arthritic hands and swear it was from excessive knuckle-cracking in his youth. I never thought to question him. He was my dad, the ultimate authority figure. He had to know what he was talking about. Besides, crossing my dad was never a particularly good idea.

"That's a myth, you know?"

I looked over at him in stunned disbelief. I had a tense moment of "How dare you question my authority!" probably brought on by my frazzled patience.

"It is," he insisted, talking faster. "Cracking your knuckles is harmless. I read it on WebMD. It doesn't cause arthritis, even though some people think so. There's no evidence."

Just for emphasis, he popped another knuckle.

I was momentarily impressed that my teenage son was spending time on WebMD instead of just playing mind-numbing hours of video games, but the crackling noise was further fraying my already frayed nerves.

"Well please stop because it's annoying the heck out of me."

He popped off one more knuckle crack and then settled his hands into his lap.

When we got home, I looked it up. He was right. I was wrong.

But he had questioned my authority.

The general parenting consensus seems to be that we shouldn't allow children to question their parents' authority. Endless numbers of books, doctors,  and talk shows (as well as teachers, relatives, neighbors, and random strangers in line at the post office) tell us that we must be firm, set strict well-defined boundaries, and never EVER waiver on the rules. They insist that we demand constant respect and deference. The popular "Because I Said So" parenting insists that our parental authority never be questioned, that our demand for respect is the cornerstone to successful parenting.

Because we want to be good parents and because we want to raise good children, we lay down the law, and when the kids don't toe the line, we punish them. No one wants a smart-mouthed kid. We've all seen those in checkout lines and waiting rooms, spouting nastiness at their parents when they don't get their way. They make us cringe while we silently judge their parents. We don't want to be that parent. And we don't want our kid to be that kid. So we put them in time-out (or worse) for talking back. We become enraged when they defy us or argue or offer us anything but calm, compliant obedience.

Then we have the nerve to tell them about the importance of thinking for themselves. We want them to think critically and question what they hear. We want them to form their own opinions and not succumb to peer pressure. We want them to be independent thinkers.

Parents are hypocrites. We want them to question authority... just not our own.

As we get caught up in the pressure to raise good kids, we often forget that the ultimate goal is to raise good adults.

There are too many people blindly bleating along with the masses. The world needs more independent thinkers, more rebels, more skeptics, more people asking questions. Children raised with a fear of questioning those in authority will become adults with the same fear. Personally, I don't want my children to grow up to be easily controlled adults...and there will be lots of people who want to control them - abusive boyfriends, manipulative employers, lying politicians, media propaganda.

With more thinking and questioning members of society, there would be fewer dumb memes on Facebook full of obvious bunk. Wouldn't that be wonderful?

"Questioning authority is all fine and good in theory," parents are probably whispering to themselves rolling their eyes, "But I have to live with these rugrats."

It is a common misconception that unless children are forced to be unquestionably obedient and respectful then they will be rude, reckless brats ready to fly off the handle if they don't get their way.

That doesn't have to be the case. There are ways to foster critical questioning in young people without parents completely losing their sanity.

1. Pick Your Battles. The more rules a household has, the more rules there are for children to break. No one, adult or child, likes to exist under the oppression of endless regulations. Too many restrictions create resentment. Parents need to pick the things they find nonnegotiable and stick to those rules. Not everything has to be a struggle. As parents, sometimes we really do have to just stand our ground, but if the rules are limited to the things that are serious and undeniably important, then we should find that the children have an easier time respecting those rules.

2. Explain Yourself. Nobody likes to be told what to do arbitrarily, and nobody likes rules that just don't seem to make sense. "Because I said so," isn't usually a compelling reason to respect a rule. If the rules make sense, they are easier to follow. Even children have the right to know the reasons behind decisions that affect them.

For example, my son had a difficult time respecting some guidelines we had for washing the "good" dishes. We didn't want food scraped off with silverware. To him it didn't make sense. He figured as along as the food left the plates and ended up in the garbage, it shouldn't matter how it got there. When it was explained that the silverware would scuff the dishes over time and that we wanted the "good" dishes to remain the "good" dishes, he was much more willing to comply. Understanding the reasons for a rule is the first step in obedience.

Instead of demanding obedience, we can seize opportunities to teach. It is wrong to lie or steal or intentionally hurt another person, but we are failing our children if we only demand that they not lie or steal or hurt people.  Requiring such behaviors as a matter of compliance only succeeds in raising a child who is inept in the real world when it comes to making moral choices.

A child should be able to question WHY it is wrong to lie (or steal or otherwise intentionally hurt someone). As a parent, we need to be able to adequately and honestly answer that question. If our only answer is “because I said so” then we are raising morally stunted individuals who will grow up to believe it is okay to lie as long as they aren’t caught by the people in authority.

It’s true that this type of parenting can take a lot of time and energy, but in the end, it’s worth it.

3. Allow Them To Argue. Without tantrums or pouting or shouting, let them argue their point in a civil and acceptable way. If they don't agree with you, let them convince you. Let them argue an opinion. Let them present evidence. Let them offer a calm, fact-based support  of their position. Then listen to them. Like with the knuckle cracking incident, my son was able to argue his position, at least to a point. He presented facts from a (fairly) credible source. (However, he couldn't argue that the noise wasn't annoying. I don't think there's a Wikipedia entry for that, although he might be currently working on one.)

4. Admit When You Are Wrong. This one can be hard, but it's okay to change our minds,out loud, when our children make a good point. We might think that our children won't respect us when we admit that we are wrong, but any kid (at least any kid older than an irrational toddler) will more greatly respect our authority if they understand that it is based on evidence and reason.

We should want to raise our kids to only respect authority that is based on truth and justice and hard facts, not authority that is based on power. "Because I said so" parenting is based on absolute power. When we admit our mistakes with humility, we are modeling how real authority should act (something that is widely missing in this world).

5. Compromise When You Can. There doesn't have to be one winner in a disagreement. When there is no way to convince the other side, it's okay to compromise. Encourage your children to help find mutually agreeable solutions. It helps build their confidence and problem solving skills, while still respecting their own feelings and opinions as well as the feelings and opinions of their parents. Seeing each other as human beings who ultimately want the same things (safety, harmony, happiness) goes a long way in strengthening trust and mutual respect.

6. Check The Attitude. We want children who can argue their case rationally. If a child is just being snotty or whiny or verbally abusive, just don't listen to them. It's okay to remind them that communicating in anger, whatever the situation, is most often non-effective. They can learn that civil discourse breeds open minds. As parents, we don't have to take a nasty bratty attitude from our children, so don't reward nasty bratty behavior. Listen to their arguments when they can speak in a calm and levelheaded way. Then give them the same respect when you present your own points.

7. Sometimes They Just Have To Do What They Are Told. It's a fact of life. Sometimes children just aren't mature enough to make their own decisions or maybe there just isn't time to explain parental reasoning. For instance, the child running toward a busy highway has to be stopped. Right now! There isn't time for intellectual debate. Sometimes children can be unwilling passengers on emotional roller coasters (especially the hormone ride that is puberty). Sometimes a child may be too upset or otherwise emotional to listen to reason. So yes, there are times that parental authority trumps all, but it shouldn't be the default setting. "Because I said so" can still be in our parental tool box but should be brought out only for emergencies or extreme cases.

However, approaching parenting with logic and humility, by picking the important battles, and allowing mutually respectful discourse produces trust and respect that will still be there during the moments you must use that parental trump card. If the rules have made sense in the past, it's easier for children to assume that their parents have a good reason even when they might not be willing or able to explain themselves.

This sounds all well and good, but won't parenting be harder?

Yes. Yes, it will. But nobody said parenting was easy in the first place. If we wanted easy, we should have bypassed parenthood and taken up astrophysics or bomb disposal or deciphering hip hop lyrics. Listening to arguments and criticism from a child can be exhausting, but it's important to remember that the easy way isn't always the best way, especially when it comes to raising children.

And in some ways it's easier. With children who are confident and secure free thinkers, we as parents can rest a little easier knowing that they won't be so easily influenced by the whims of their peers or lured into hurtful controlling relationships.

They will be better people for it, too.

"It is the first responsibility of every citizen to question authority." ~Benjamin Franklin

Not Bad For A Girl

"Not bad for a girl."

It made me cringe from the top of my head down the tips of my blue-painted toenails. Words spoken by a father to his little girl about her belt promotion in karate. It wasn't meant to be mean. He was just kidding. It was their little inside joke. He couldn't be prouder, actually.

But he still said the words.

And she still heard them.

What kind of message does that send? That her performance would have been better if she were male? That girls don't have to live up to the same standards as their male peers? Maybe that she'll never be as good as the guys, so maybe she shouldn't try? That she is less capable of excellence because she's "just a girl"?

I don't know what that little girl heard in her daddy's words. Maybe it doesn't mean anything at all to her. Maybe it IS just an inside joke, and I'm totally over-reacting.

But maybe I'm not.

Being a girl in any male-dominated sport isn't easy. It's often incredibly difficult to be taken seriously. The guys tend to look at the girls as weaker, more fragile, and less aggressive, as having less potential just because of their gender. It leaves female participants constantly trying to gain respect, to prove themselves in a field where men hold the gold standard.

I hold a black belt in karate, and I've heard the whispers of doubt from male students about how much easier it was for me, that instructors aren't as rough with "the girls", that maybe I didn't pay the same price for my rank as the guys did. I've heard other students insult each other saying, "Come on! You hit like a GIRL!" As if it were the worst possible insult.  I've heard  bad jokes about "where a woman's place is, and it isn't in the dojo."

I've sparred guys who refused to hit me at all, because of my gender, and I've sparred guys who were insanely rough, who played their hardest in an attempt to win at all cost, or to push me to my limits and make me quit. I realize that the guys kind of have it tough, that they will be shamed for being "beaten by a girl" or shamed for beating one up. It's a lose/lose situation for the male ego and probably explains why many of them would like the ladies to just go away... or at least stick to training with the other girls (Although there aren't usually very many of them around... it is a male-dominated sport, after all).

It's all part of training and competing in those traditionally masculine sports. The girls are going to deal with disrespect and ridicule and rude comments. They are going to be underestimated and not taken seriously (which is often a competitive advantage, but still insulting). They might even have their sexuality questioned. It's all going to come out on the training floor... not every time, but eventually... and it's going to be an ugly emotional mess.

So, don't make it worse, Dad. You're supposed to be a source of encouragement and support, a safe place to land. Let her know that you believe in her, with ALL of your words. Because if she sticks with it, she's going to deal with enough shit out there on the mat. Let her know her efforts and her hard work are enough without the gender-based conditions you place on her ability.

Believe in her so that she can believe in herself. Right now, when the kids are young, there's a lot less difference in strength and ability between genders. Believe in her now, so that when the anatomical differences in strength and build put her at a very real disadvantage, she won't hesitate to hip toss that 220 pound man... because she believes she can. She won't hesitate because she's "just a girl".

And just for the record, I've seen my daughter completely own boys on the mat, boys much bigger and stronger than she is. She is tough and fast and confident. Maybe because she's never been told she's "just a girl"... at least not by her parents. She can seriously kick butt... which is pretty good by any standard.

...and would be pretty good even if she were "just a boy".

Brand New Black Belts - Unexpected Life Lessons Learned Through Martial Arts

Like the majority of moms out there, I love to embrace any and all opportunities to brag about my children. Since I have a blog, I get to brag to a whole heck-of-a-lot more people. (It's really one of the few perks, along with free life advice from nasty internet trolls.) Fortunately for me, my children give me an abundance of opportunities to brag about them. (They are pretty awesome kids even though they routinely forget to take out the garbage.)

Saturday my two middle children tested for their junior black belts in Isshinryu Karate. It was an epic test of endurance and sweat and skill and tears. It was emotional for them and me. And at the end, they received their hard-earned belts and all of the rank and privilege that come with them. I was full of so much pride that it welled to overflowing, causing a bit to leak out of the corners of my eyes. I promise they weren't tears.  That was liquid pride!

While the test largely focused on the rote knowledge of karate history and their physical ability to throw a punch or perform a kata, there are certainly an abundance of other things they've learned along the way. Their scores reflected what their examiners saw with their eyes, at that moment, on that particular day. However, there are real and important things they've learned through martial arts that were not reflected in their test scores. Like Albert Einstein said, "Everything that can be counted does not necessarily count; everything that counts cannot necessarily be counted."

Here are the major life lessons that martial arts has given to my children:

1. Commitment Is Not the Same As Passion. My kids were so excited on their first day of karate class. Probably for the first several months, they looked forward to class like they would an amusement park trip or a birthday party. But as time passed, the newness and excitement started to wear off.  Karate didn't seem so fun anymore, but it wasn't the fun that kept them training in the dojo. It was commitment and dedication.

You might hear motivational speakers preach that if you want to achieve a goal, you must want it with undying passion, that you must desire success as badly as a drowning man desires oxygen. But once you've spent months upon months training with no vacation or off-season, waking up sore and tired, wishing you could just stay home and watch tv, but training anyway, you'll understand that desire isn't what keeps you going.  Many times my children had an incredible desire to just stay home and play video games (an immediate desire which I assure you was often stronger than their immediate desire to reach black belt).

It might be passion that motivated them to take the first steps on their martial arts journey, but it had to evolve into something deeper to keep  them there.  That's called commitment.  Commitment to themselves.  Commitment to their training partners.  Commitment to their teacher.  Commitment to consistency.

It's easy to just walk away from something you were once passionate about once the fiery feelings begin to mellow.  It's almost impossible to just walk away from deep-seated commitment. Kids these days don't have a lot of opportunities to learn the beauty and strength of commitment. Martial arts is one place they can learn that valuable lesson.

2. Failure Is Not Always Negative.  Through years of martial arts training, my children have failed more times than can be counted. In fact, they fail on a regular basis. They take punches that hurt. They are thrown, kicked, and knocked down. They have been forced to submit by people with far more skill than they possess.  Week after week, month after month, year after year, they have made mistakes and lost matches.

Over time, they began to realize that the major difference between them and the higher ranking black belts had nothing to do with black belt super powers or their own general level of suckage. The major difference between them and the black belt who completely owns them on the mat, is that the black belt has simply failed more times. So every time one of my kids failed to block a punch, or got kicked in the ribs because their guard was down, or got submitted by armbar, they got up off the mat, dusted themselves off, and learned from the experience.

In life, like in karate, one must fail many times before success is reached. Society's most successful people got to where they are by failing many, many times. Nobody gets it right on the first try. The martial artist learns that failure isn't a negative thing.  He learns to see it as a necessary step to success. He learns that failure isn't the end, that he just needs to get back up, learn from the experience, and try again.

3. The Importance of Interdependence. Parents often sign their children up for martial arts classes in the hopes that their little ones will become more independent.  While martial arts can definitely help create independence by developing a sense of individual pride through hard work, achievement and healthy competition, martial arts also has an incredible ability to promote a vital connectivity and sense of belonging. It creates community.  My children often refer to their training partners as their "dojo family".

Somewhere along the way, they realized that every class isn't a competition. That when one student improves, the entire class improves. That their training partners are there to help them improve, not to make them look bad. That without each other, they would get nowhere.

In a society that often glorifies independence and views interdependence as a weakness, my children instead see the value of cooperation and collaboration. I watched them work together with their fellow testing candidates to prepare for their tests.  They coached each other on throws and fighting technique and details of kata.  They quizzed each other on vocabulary and shared history notes.  During the test they offered support and encouragement to one another, even in the midst of grueling sparring matches.  When one of them got knocked down, someone else was there to reach out their hand to lift them back up. And when they finished the test, they celebrated as a community with tears, and hugs, and high fives.

In life, the most successful people are not entirely independent.  They find strength and greatness in interdependence. By combining their strengths and talents with the strengths and talents of others, they reap even better results and create community along the way. For my children, martial arts gave them their first experience with interdependence (at least outside of their biological family).

4. Most Of Our Limits Are Set In Our Own Minds. While it's true that your elbow will only straighten so far before ligaments pop, most of our limits aren't physical. I've watched my children push themselves through one more rep, one more roll, to take just one more punch when they sincerely  thought they couldn't. Most of their limits weren't physical, but mental, and mental limits can be pushed and stretched. Growth happens outside of their comfort zones, and martial arts has a way of constantly pushing past those zones.

I watched my children, at the end of a physically taxing two and a half hour test, sweaty and exhausted, having been beaten and bruised, when everything inside of them screamed to just give up, reach down inside of themselves for a determination and resolve they didn't know they had (And quite frankly, I didn't know they had either). With character and courage, they persevered.

By pushing themselves farther than they thought they could go, my children learned to tap unfulfilled potential. They learned that they are capable of much more than they thought. They learned that they are capable of dealing with new and unexpected circumstances, and they will surely find it easier to push their own boundaries (both physical and mental) in the future.

5. Stop And Smell The Flowers on The Side of the Highway.  Martial arts has a way of forcing mindfulness. It's incredibly difficult to think about unfinished homework, or a bad test grade, or this afternoon's nasty argument with a best friend while someone is actively attempting to side kick them in the ribs. In the midst of battle, it is nearly impossible (and incredibly unwise) to think about anything other than what is happening right in front of them. Their minds must be entirely focused on the moment, otherwise they're going to get the breath knocked out of them.

We live in a culture that glorifies achievement and focuses on future rewards. College graduation. The next career advancement or salary increase. The two weeks worth of vacation coming up. Retirement. While peering off into the future, we miss the beauty of our everyday lives.

In martial arts the next new new belt color or shiny tournament trophies seem cool, but the meat of martial arts is to be found in the process of improvement, the discovering of new techniques, the hard lessons learned, the obstacles overcome.

My children have learned through their training to appreciate the process (hopefully) without fixating on any one goal. They are better able to focus on  what's directly in front of them, in the present, instead of constantly wishing their lives away off into a distant future. Like focusing on one incoming punch at a time, they can focus on what they can improve in their martial arts (and in themselves) today, rather than being overwhelmed with what they can't see coming in the future. They are better able to enjoy the journey of life, one step at a time, instead of worrying about their destination.

...But they'll be ready for whatever's coming, too.  That's why they learned to keep their guard up.

And because I haven't finished bragging about my awesome kids, here are some pictures. Because these kids are awesome!

Step Aside and Let Kids Fight Their Own Battles

Summer is almost over.  The start of the new school year is fast approaching.  School supplies are being bought, sleep schedules rearranged, classrooms are being organized, and parents, teachers, and students are all starting to get in that back-to-school mindset.  The start of school brings more than homework and school buses and awkward social situations, it also heralds the darker side of kids behavior, the seemingly ever-present and monstrous threat of school bullying.

It would seem that bullying is so odious and horrifying that many schools have adopted no tolerance policies, even landing kids who witness acts of bullying but do nothing to stop it in serious trouble.  Bullying has almost become the new witchcraft.  It's a crime so heinous, that no one wants to be accused of it.  One that brings the masses out to burn the accused at the metaphorical stake.  There are anti-bullying campaigns popping up on school campuses across the country (some government sponsored) and parent-formed groups monitoring bullying in school.  If you listen to the masses, you might believe that bullying has become a virus of epidemic proportions infecting our schools and playgrounds, and it must be eradicated if we are to rescue the younger generation.

But while bullying has taken on new forms (cyber bullying being the first that comes to mind), it certainly isn't a new rampant plague.  It's been around since the beginning of time... or at least since the inception of compulsory schooling.

Kids have always bullied other kids. It's an unfortunate part of the socialization process. Kids say hurtful and humiliating things, and kids shove kids in lockers.  It sucks.  But what overly-concerned parents and hyper-sensitive kids keep shoving under the bullying umbrella, are often little more than hurt feelings.

For example, consider the parent who accused a high school football coach of bullying after a 91-0 blow out game.  Or the "mean girl" who told a second grader she wanted to eat lunch with someone else.  Or my own child who was accused of bullying for thinking bad thoughts and vaguely "making me feel unwelcome" by the accuser.  And then there are the false accusations of bullying that can ruin an innocent student thanks to harsh no-tolerance anti-bullying policies.  And kids will accuse other kids unjustly in frustrated or mean-spirited attempts to level the social playing field, and that, of course, is just another form of bullying.

All of this attention to bullying may be a good thing for a wide range of very real victims.  It helps teachers and students identify and stop real bullying, hopefully before it does serious psychological damage.  But will the anti-bullying craze eventually become counter-productive?  Will we eventually become desensitized like the townspeople who ignored the boy who cried wolf?  The more we holler that everything is harassment, will real and serious bullying cases start to get lost in the shuffle?

Maybe the real bullying threat is posed by the hovering adults who, for fear that Little Johnny might scrape a knee or have his feelings hurt, orchestrate and insulate every aspect of Johnny's life.  Every childhood interaction must be structured and supervised.  From preschool play dates to individual (rather than group) bus stops to organized sports, children are barely allowed to interact without adult input.  Like helicopters, parents hover over every single thing their kids do, sterilizing their environments from all possible adversity.  They've banned dodge ball and tag and kickball to prevent "bullying" (which is really just kids picking teams and learning to settle disputes... you know?... life skills).

We have children's sports leagues that play but don't keep score... so everyone is a winner.  Or else, league standings aren't made public so the last place team doesn't get offended.  And because we've attempted to create a homogeneous society for our kids, where personal achievement and competition are non-existent, every kid gets a participation trophy.  We wouldn't want to hurt any feelings.

We have parents who swoop in to confront teachers about their children's bad grades, or schedule appointments with their college-aged child's professors to discuss how evilly they are treating their baby, or attend job interviews to ensure their adult child gets a good job.  This actually happens.

After all the attempts to whitewash the unfairness out of life, we're left with a generation that doesn't know how to fail, a generation that thinks everything is easy and guaranteed.  We have college graduates stepping out of college expecting to be handed their $100,000 starting salary, and are shocked that life doesn't work that way.  The concept of hard work and self-improvement is beyond them.  And when they find themselves stuck in crappy entry-level jobs, they demand an increase in minimum wage... because, damn it they deserve it... even though they haven't actually accomplished anything of value.

There are bullies in the adult world, too.  I've dealt with them in the form of employers and co-workers and neighbors.  Life isn't fair, even when you are a grown up.  Yet we're pushing kids out into that real world without the life skills they need to succeed.  Growth most often comes through adversity, but their insulated, sanitized, childhood bubble hasn't prepared them to be successful, well-adjusted adults.

It wasn't all that long ago that playgrounds weren't fenced, and children weren't taken from their parents for playing outside unsupervised, and kids were free to organize impromptu games of stick ball.  Not so very long ago, losing teams worked harder instead of whining about losing, students learned to suffer through terrible teachers, and bullied kids learned to stand up for themselves instead of hiding behind Mommy's skirts.  And some pretty important life lessons were learned in the process.

Perhaps instead of focusing so much attention on eliminating even the slightest bit of emotional or physical intimidation from our children's lives, we should focus on creating confident, positive, problem-solvers. (Interestingly enough these are traits that both bullies and victims lack.) I understand that parents mean well, that we all love our children and want to protect them, but sometimes the best thing we can do is let them fight their own battles.  We can't continuously rob them of opportunities to learn conflict resolution and effective communication (through actual application not just theory), and in the process develop improved self-esteem and a sense of empowerment.  And maybe they  might figure out in the process that their worth isn't wrapped up in the positive opinions of others.

Adults should just step out of the way instead of constantly feeding a victim's mentality to our kids.  Our children might need to suck it up, toughen up, and figure out how to fix their own problems.  I think we'll have better adults for it, even if the process isn't all sunshine and roses and rainbows.  But I bet there will unfold stronger, more resilient humans better equipped to face the often harsh realities that are inevitable in this world, because guess what... the world isn't all sunshine and roses and rainbows either.