Why I Don't Want My Children To Just Be Happy

"I just want her to be happy. You know?"

I heard these words from a young mother in regards to her small daughter over the weekend, and they have been itching at my brain for days. They aren't uncommon words, I've heard them spoken by other parents of other children on other days. In fact, it is a pretty common sentiment, almost a modern parenting mantra. But something about those words just haven't felt right to me.

Surely, the highest goal, the pinnacle of parenting success, the mother of all attainment is that we produce happy people. We speak of it as if nothing else matters. Because if they achieve greatness and money and success but are miserably unhappy, it has all been for naught, right?

In that light, achieving a high level of happiness seems pretty important. But should it really be the ultimate goal?

Maybe we've placed happiness in the spotlight because we've found it so fleeting and difficult to achieve. A 2013 poll showed that two thirds of Americans are not "very happy". Antidepressants are the third most common prescription drug. And with the majority of Americans unhappy and dissatisfied with their jobs, the lack of happiness in the United States starts to look like a frightening epidemic.

Or maybe the placement of happiness on such a high pedestal is a reflection of the new culture of acceptance. Today's parents have seen friends cower in closets of sexuality because they were afraid of disappointing their parents. They've also watched adults while away their days miserably working a job they hate just because it pays well. And so we've decided to accept our children as they are and support them no matter their goals, because we want them to "just be happy".

But here's the deal... there is a whole lot more to life than just being happy.

By saying, "I just want my kids to be happy" without qualifying the statement, it insinuates that any choice is acceptable as long as it makes them happy. Does this mean that we are okay with our children choosing to live in our basement and smoke pot and play video games? ... as long as they are happy. Is it okay for them to drop out of school and work the rest of their lives as a cashier at McDonald's, getting people's orders wrong, and counting out incorrect change? ...as long as they are happy. What if the become big bank brokers or corrupt used car salesmen and cheat old ladies? ... as long as they are happy. What if they insist on ordering their steaks well done at nice restaurants? ... Surely we have to draw the line somewhere.

By telling our children that we "just want them to be happy", we are sending a message that is apt to develop little narcissists. It tells our children that there is nothing more important than their feelings, that their personal happiness is the ultimate pursuit. We've already sent them that message through our helicopter-style parenting, orbiting around them like planets around the sun. So telling them that our only desire for them in life is that they be happy reinforces the notion that they are all that matters. Screw other people and their feelings. Screw higher causes and deeper meaning. Screw doing anything challenging or difficult. And while we're at it, let's just selfishly encourage them to consume senselessly while using other people to get what they want.

Happiness is such a fleeting thing and it is all too often confused with pleasure. The pleasure of eating a cupcake or buying a new blouse or engaging in casual sex may seem like they bring happiness at the time, but those things, while surely pleasurable, can leave us feeling unfulfilled. Happiness isn't something you can consume or buy or sleep with. But because pleasure feels so much like happiness, we often find ourselves grasping and reaching for the next pleasurable experience because we think that's what it takes to make us happy. And since happiness is all we want for our children, it could leave them grasping at brief moments of gratification, never accomplishing anything and never achieving any real and lasting happiness anyway.

And there are far worse things our children could end up being than unhappy.

I don't want my  kids to just be happy.

I want my children to be productive and empathetic and gracious. I want them to be generous and hard-working and passionate. I want to raise people with purpose and character. The world needs more citizens who are honest and genuine and humble. I want them to give of themselves, to work hard for a worthwhile cause, to be part of lasting solutions to big problems, to be part of something bigger than themselves. I want them to strive to be better than they already are, to pursue goals that aren't easily achieved, and most of all I want them to be kind.

Interestingly enough, happiness seems to be a natural byproduct of those things. It's almost like when we stop looking for it, chasing it, desiring it, and focus on the really worthwhile things, happiness seems to find us. By focusing on others, while reaching for the things that are truly valuable, happiness just kind of happens.

So I hope that isn't all you really want for your kids, because if that's all you want for them, they'll likely never find it.

Be More Selfie Conscious

You know that the world is in trouble when the most esteemed guardian of the English language, the cerberus of linguistic integrity, the paladin of patois, bestows a prestigious honor upon what is probably the most embarrassing icon of the digital age.  The word "selfie" was declared Oxford Dictionaries' 2013 word of the year.

57 million photos strong (and that's on Instagram alone), the selfie rages its irritating way across social media platforms.  You can't scroll five seconds in any given social media newsfeed without coming across at least one ridiculous duckface, sweaty gym flexing, or inappropriate tween self-portrait.

Of course, the Oxford Dictionaries' pronouncement of the word "selfie" as socially significant is old news, but the "selfie" will not die.  Instead, it rears its repulsively tacky head in the most inappropriate places.  This week the internet world is all in a hubbub over an Alabama teen's smiling selfie snapped while on a tour of the Auschwitz-Birkenau Concentration Camp. You know, just the place to be all bright and cheery and upbeat?

Auschwitz-Birkenau was only the largest of the Nazi concentration camps designed for the murder of Jews, political prisoners, homosexuals, and other threats to the German regime.  Only a mere 1,100,00+ men, women, and children lost their lives there.

What a great setting for an overly perky selfie!

This bubbly blonde selfie-posting teen isn't alone in her tasteless display of Me-ism.  There have been plenty of other smirking or pouting or taunting selfies posted by social media fans from Auschwitz-Birkenau and still others from the 9/11 World Trade Center Memorial.  Even our illustrious President was caught striking a pose with international dignitaries at the memorial service of politician and philanthropist, Nelson Mandela.

Knuckleheads across social media venues continue to post selfies from funerals, and cemeteries, and memorials of catastrophic death, and in front of burning buildings, and violent arrests.

What is wrong with people?

What a Happy Day!  We're Here at the 9/11 Memorial where 1,000s of people died horrible deaths!

These cops are beating this guy, but who cares?  At least we look super cute!

This family's home and all of their worldly possessions just went up in a hot fiery blaze, but not as hot as I am in these aviator sunglasses!

Rockin' it out at Grandpa's funeral! Good times!

Thumbs up to the Germans for massacring millions of Jews!

These are selfies run amok.  They are shocking and disturbing and more than a little creepy to most sane individuals (at least those over the age of 30). They take narcissism to whole new arrogant and self-absorbed levels.  They are extreme.

But even your standard, less shocking, run-of-the-mill selfie is disturbing as the symptom of something deeper and darker in our collective conscious, a rampant societal narcissism.

Selfies, even in their tamest form, scream "Look at me! Look at me!"  They are acts of shameless self-promotion that are really just desperate pleas for affirmation and acknowledgement for lonely attention-seekers.  They are individual cries into the void for compliments and cool points.  What you are really saying when you post that bathroom mirror selfie to Facebook is, "Could someone please indicate that there are other humans out there that think I'm beautiful/cool/stylish/worth something before I collapse into my own loneliness and worthlessness."

It's kind of sad and pathetic really.

Social media has made us more connected than ever.  We can instantaneously know what our friends and relatives and casual acquaintances are up to even if they are located half-way around the globe.  And yet we are more disconnected than ever when it comes to intimacy and personal relationships.  And so we cast out our nets (nets woven of awkwardly irritating selfies) into the vastness of the internet looking for acceptance and recognition and validation of our worth as individuals.

And it only annoys and aggravates the masses, who quickly scroll past the awkward appeals for approval.  Because selfie sharing actually makes people like you less. British researchers recently discovered that "increased sharing of photographs of the self... is related to a decrease in intimacy."  You are shooting yourself in the foot every time you purse those lips into an outrageous duckface, squeeze your boobs together, and snap that shot with your smart phone in an attempt to make friends and get people to like you.
Because most of us don't care.  And we don't have the mental energy to stroke your ego.

And you look ridiculous.

It's irritating and annoying.  We feel embarrassed for you.  Just put the phone down.  Walk away from the mirror.  Stop creating a false image on social media.  Stop caring so much what other people think.

Stop it with the selfies.

It's not just the Auschwitz selfies and the funeral selfies that are obnoxious.  They are all kind of obnoxious... at least as a collective.   So think twice and post once... or maybe not at all.

We could all learn to be a little more selfie-conscious...

That was intentionally corny... like a duckface selfie.