There was a moment last night when, for a brief instant, I questioned myself as a mother. I've had plenty of moments like that before, usually spawned by other people's off-handed comments and sometimes down-right rude confrontations. I've always taken it personally. Even after almost 11 years of motherhood, I still have so much self-doubt in my abilities as a mother. I wish I wasn't so disturbed by other people's opinions or perceptions. I wish I wasn't so hard on myself when I've clearly fallen short or made a mistake. I so desperately want to be perfect.
I'm not perfect. In fact I am VERY far from it. But in the grand
scheme of things I am a DAMNED GOOD MOTHER!!!! I love my children
immensely and every big decision I've made in the past 11 years had been
made with their best interests in mind. I am present and intimately
involved in their lives. I have made an effort to be educated in
matters of health and education. And I've stepped out of the box that
is the status quo and made unpopular choices. Do I homeschool because I
enjoy it? Absolutely not! Do you think it would be easier to stick my
ADHD boys on chemical drugs than to fuss and worry over all of the
chemicals in their diets and environment? Hell yes!
While I sometimes fall short on day to day issues like raising my
voice or making sure everyone has clean socks, I've scored big on the
major issues. I think my children will appreciate that when they reach
adulthood and start raising children of their own. Hopefully they won't
need too many years of therapy because of all of those little things.
Even if I screw up big time, I know that I always try my best.
Always. I'll never be perfect and I shouldn't put that much pressure on
myself anyway. I feel sorry for the next person who issues one of
those off-hand comments. I'm feeling kind of riled and I'm afraid
Mother Bear has been asleep too long.