Monday, February 23, 2015

50 Shades of Gray Hairs

A dear friend and dedicated blog reader asked me this weekend if I would please write something about 50 Shades Of Grey... either the book or the movie or both.

But I can't... because I haven't read the book or seen the movie thanks to this handy rock I've been living under, and therefore (unlike many other internet writers out there) can't intelligently (or even un-intelligently) discuss either one.

To be perfectly honest, I have no real desire to read the book OR watch the movie. In fact, I have a long list of things I would rather do than read 50 Shades of Grey, not the least of which is walking 5 miles barefoot over a bed of Legos (Sounds like fun!).

However, I really don't like disappointing dear friends or loyal readers (especially when they happen to be the same person), so here is my weak attempt at a 50 Shades themed blog entry...

50 Shades of Gray Hairs (Or 50 Things That Have Given Me Gray Hair Just This Week)

It's happening, and it's happening fast. I'm going gray. I held out until I hit forty, but once those suckers started camping out on top of my noggin, they started inviting all of their friends. It's like a new one arrives almost every hour to join the party.

My mother warned me. She looked at my kids... all four of them (probably half dressed, climbing the walls, and demanding to be fed... simultaneously) and probably wondered why I wasn't completely silver-haired by my thirtieth birthday.

I've heard that stress can rush the graying process. So it's no surprise that I'm starting to look like the before picture in a Clairol Loving Care commercial.

Here are 50 reasons for my newest gray hairs...

1. Busted pipes from freezing weather.
2. The two children who are currently arguing over which one of them is more annoying.
3. Teenagers asking me how old I was when I lost my virginity.
4. The $700 electric bill.
5. Being militant about the use of light switches and other electricity-guzzling inventions. Life by candlelight is fun. (You don't need to see the pages of your book or the food on your plate. It's like we're living in frontier times. It's educational.)
6. Teaching fractions... for the fourth time.
7. Reminding them again and again and again that they need to brush their teeth.
8. Worrying that they will end up looking British when I'm no longer around to remind them to brush.
9. Dog vomit on the carpet.
10. Not being able to find my keys.
11. The responsibility of rationing Girl Scout cookies. (Let's be honest. That's a HUGE responsibility.)
12. Finding out one of my 13 year-old's "friends" called him a "P*ssy".
13. Having to explain what that means.
14. Wondering where he got the brilliant idea to retort "I'm not a p*ssy. That's just what I eat for breakfast." (... sigh. It really IS brilliant, though.)
15. Pretending I don't know what that means.
16. Avoiding phone calls from that friend's parents.
17. The trash can looking like a poorly planned game of Jenga.
18. 7 half-consumed water bottles strewn about the house. SEVEN!
19. The penicillin farm growing in snap-top containers in the back of the fridge.
20. The smell of the penicillin farm that escapes every time someone opens the fridge.
21. Snow days.
22. The massive pile of shoes accumulating by the front door (I've lovingly nicknamed it Mount Ve-shoe-vius.)
23. Did someone just go outside without shoes on? It's like 25 degrees out there!
24. Running out of coffee.
25. Running out of coffee in a snowstorm.
26. Disney songs that run on constant repeat in my head. I just can't seem to "Let It Go".
27. Two empty peanut butter jars in the pantry. Who left these in here? It's like 3 steps to the trashcan Jenga game.
28. Trying to silently unwrap a candy bar so the kids can't hear.
29. Failing miserably.
30. Shoving the remains of that candy bar into my mouth and attempting to look normal
31. Trying to hold a normal conversation with a child while choking on a mouth full of candy bar.
32. Failing miserably,
33. Sharing my stash of candy bars with the kids.
34. Washing the same load of laundry three times because I keep forgetting to put it in the dryer.
35. The timer on the dryer going out making the towels tumble dry for 14 hours straight. (Hmmmm... That might be contributing to that $700 electric bill.)
36. Learning to discern the subtle complexities of communication via eye rolls.
37. Accidentally announcing that I have to pee in front of my daughter's boyfriend.
38. Dramatic emotional outbursts and thoughts of running away... Oh wait! That was me.
39. Stifling laughter at inappropriate comments my children make at the dinner table.
40. Realizing that my son spent almost five straight hours playing online video games.
41. A heated discussion about responsible use of time and limiting electronics.
42. Tears. (Both mine and his.)
43. Answering absurd questions through the bathroom door. ("No, I don't know who was the 21st president off the top of my head... and no, beavers do not make good house pets... By the way, I'm kind of busy in here.")
44. Endless whining and complaining... No wait... That was me, too.
45. Why is the cat in the refrigerator?
46. Slamming doors, stomping feet, and high-pitched screeching.
47. Messy art projects.
48. Board games with tiny little pieces that end up all over the house, sucked up in the vacuum cleaner and stepped on by my bare feet.
49. Why do they want dinner Every. Single. Night?
50. I'm out of wine.

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