What Do You Do? - We Are More Than Our Jobs

"What do you do?"

It's a standard question. (If you're from the agrarian South it may also be accompanied by two other standard questions: "Where do you go to Church?" and "What does your daddy do?") Strangers ask this standard question of one another when they meet. While nothing is inherently condescending in the question, and it might just be a polite inquiry meant to open up conversation to meaningless small talk, it does help file people into neat little categories. (The other two standard Southern questions are a bit more inherently condescending. The first trying to file you into acceptable categories like "Baptist", "Presbyterian", "Methodist" or the not-so-acceptable and borderline scandalous "Other"... The second is just trying to determine if you come from old money.)

The person asking the question is probably looking for an easy answer. When they ask, "What do you do?", generally they are looking for a job description or career choice.

The standard answer to the standard question might be "I'm a teacher." or "I sell insurance." or "I'm a doctor, lawyer, car salesman, tattoo artist, cashier, student, nurse, mechanic, bum-on-the-street.... the list goes on and on and on.

The standard answers to the standard question might help the listener neatly compartmentalize people by income, education, social status, and relative perceived value to society, but it doesn't adequately answer the question.

I hate the question.

Or at least I hate the standard and expected answers to the question.

Maybe it's because I'm a little sensitive to being easily compartmentalized... maybe it's because I don't identify my worth based on what I do to generate income... maybe it's because I am so very busy "doing" things that have nothing to do with a career or income generation. Maybe it's because when I answer the standard question with the expected answer, I don't like the way I am so easily disregarded as irrelevant. Maybe it's because I don't have my identity or my self-worth completely wrapped up in what I am currently employed "doing".

"I am a waitress."

It's what I currently do to make money. It buys groceries and pays bills. It helps keep a roof over my children's heads and shoes on their feet (When they choose to actually wear shoes, that is... which admittedly isn't very often).

With that answer people tend to automatically file me away into a neat little preconceived category that really doesn't define me.

Because being a waitress isn't what I do... at least not with most of my time and energy.

If I were to honestly answer the question, "What do you do?" the answer would look more like this:

"What do I do?... I sort laundry, walk the dog, practice karate, teach my kids, lose my patience, cook dinner, read books, waste time on Facebook. I write a blog, compete in archery tournaments, make snarky comments, laugh, sleep, make love, breathe, run. I bite my nails, take hot showers, obsess over gray hairs, worry about my children's futures. I think... sometimes I over-think. I sweep floors, clean the litter box, drink coffee, eat chocolate. Sometimes I go camping, take long walks, go hunting, look at the stars... and for about 21 hours each week, I smile and make people happy at a really top-rate restaurant (If you're ever in eastern North Carolina, you should totally check out On the Square... I hear the service is impeccable...the food is pretty amazing, too.)"

What I do to make money is such a small fraction of what I actually do. It doesn't define me.

Perhaps, as a society we place too much value on what people do to generate money. There is so much more that we, as human beings do with our time and our talents and our energy.

To me, how a person is living his or her life is far more important than how they might be earning a living. I want to hear about dreams and hobbies. I want to hear about what they love, what they fear, what they hope for. I want to know if they sing in the shower or call their mother every Sunday night. I want to know what keeps them awake at night and what gets them out of bed in the morning. I want to know how they like their eggs and how they take their coffee. I want to know if they return their shopping cart to the corral in the parking lot when they are finished unloading their groceries (because you have got to be an evil person if you don't... How do those people live with themselves?).

There is so very much more to who a person is than what they do to make money. There is more life than what is being lived at a job.

 And there is more worth to a person than what is filed annually with the IRS.

Who a person IS, the composition of their character, should have more value than their career choice. After all, we are human BEINGS, not human DOINGS.

If I'm Not A Feminist, I Must Be A Misogynist (Or Something Like That)

Someone once assumed I was a feminist.

Because I wrote this post: Why We Need More Female MMA Fighters

And this post: Advice For My Teenage Daughter

And this post: Keep It To Yourself

"Feminist" can be kind of a loaded label meaning different things to different people. If writing about women being actual people rather than objects of sexual desire makes me a feminist in your eyes, then I suppose I am.

But then I wrote this post: The Double Standard of Violence Against Women, which suggested that women aren't the only people experiencing gross unfairness because of their gender.  I actually suggested that men have it bad sometimes, too (GASP!).

Apparently, this sort of thinking doesn't fit into standard feminist thought. And of course, if a person isn't a feminist... they must be a misogynist (at least according to a few feminist Twitter rants that happened to provide me with some humorous entertainment this week... although I don't think humor is what they were going for).

A misogynist is someone who hates women.

But I am a woman... which would mean I hate myself.

While I do occasionally, for brief moments, wallow in self-loathing (usually on mornings when I'm running on a severe lack of sleep and coffee), most of the time I think I'm a pretty awesome person. And most of the women I know... they are pretty cool, too.

One of the great feminist slogans comes from a quote by Cheris Kramarae: "Feminism is the radical notion that women are people."

But what if I think men are people, too?

If that makes me a misogynist, I suppose that I am guilty.

But all of this radical labeling bullshit is probably just the way narrow-minded people attempt to cram triangle pegs into the square and round holes of thought, forgetting that there might be more choices than just two. They fail to see that the world displays a much richer array of colors than just stark black and white.

I didn't realize that gender issues had become so staunchly bipartisan.

Here's an idea: How about we stop trying to marginalize people just because they might hold social or political views that differ from our own?  How about we disengage from all of the hogwash partisan constructs that just lead to the drawing of battle lines?  How about we stop throwing constricting labels around because they extinguish intellectual discourse?

If we only ever listen to people who agree with us, people who think exactly like we do, growth never happens. We will be stuck right where we are now, only more self-righteous and more self-important than we started out.

And we'll be messed-up excuses for human beings with gigantic persecution complexes,  incapable of understanding any way of thinking other than our own.

Which sounds like a lot of people on my Twitter feed.

On "Coming Out", Ellen Page, and Michael Sam

According to several links posted on my Facebook news feed, some actress named Ellen Page has come publicly bursting out of the closet.  This past Friday, the young (and obviously obscure) actress announced that she is gay at a Human Rights Campaign Event in Las Vegas.

I had never heard of Ellen Page before her name was plastered all over the internet due to her "moving" speech.  But then again, I'm not a serious movie-goer, but I've heard that she starred in some movie named "Juno" and made an appearance in some other one called "Inception".  But I certainly don't think she qualifies as an A list actress.

You know what?

I don't care.  In fact, I'd venture to say that the vast majority of Americans just do not care about Ms. Page's preferred bedroom activities. While being gay in America may have (in the not so distant past) riled up a bunch of people.  It just isn't happening any more.  Openly gay people are everywhere, not just in San Francisco.

So why are so many progressives fawning over Ellen Page and how brave she is to come out in Hollywood?  Good question.  I mean...it's Hollywood.  Was there really some irrational fear that she wouldn't be accepted in Hollywood?  Seriously?  Isn't Hollywood like almost entirely progressive and pro-gay marriage and liberal and accepting?  What about Ellen DeGeneres and Neil Patrick Harris and Elton John?  They are all openly gay...and pretty famous and wealthy and influential to boot.  In fact, it's almost kind of vogue to be openly gay in Hollywood (even if it isn't the trendy thing to do in small rural towns across the U.S.).

I agree that being gay in most of America (outside of Hollywood) can still be pretty difficult, especially here in the Bible Belt.  But I have to wonder why coming out of the closet is still considered such a big event.  Why do we need public announcements and excessive media coverage? Is it not okay to be confident and believe firmly in who we are as individuals without having to have the acknowledgment and acceptance of society at large?  I'm just asking, "Who cares what the rest of the world thinks?"  Who cares if the rest of the world accepts who you are as an individual?  Because the acceptance (or lack thereof) of society shouldn't influence who you believe you are.  Not one iota.

I wish we lived in a world where we, as individuals, could just quietly be.  Be whatever we are, without the need for announcements...or labels.  Because labels are for canned goods, not people.  They are limiting and confining.  But unfortunately, we live in a society of labels.  Everyone slaps labels on you...your parents, teachers, employers, friends...why would we want to label ourselves?  Especially in an area as complex and diverse and complicated as sexuality and relationships?

Perhaps it's from a deep need to fit-in, to belong that we assign these labels, a desire for kinship and acceptance that our society is often missing.  In a society where independence is worshiped, we long for a sense of interdependence and community.

Or, in the case of Ellen Page, it could be for publicity's sake.  When the act of coming out in Hollywood goes viral on the internet, I have to wonder why.  It has launched a relatively little known actress right to the front of social media hype.  With this one act she has beaten obscurity, and shielded herself largely from criticism and mockery (lest the offender be labeled homophobic).  She has become largely untouchable by the vulture-like Hollywood critics of fashion and lifestyle and beauty.  And if and when she is turned down for parts in the future, it won't be her acting ability that comes into question, but rather the acceptance and progressiveness and open-mindedness of the casting crew.

It's brilliant really.

Brilliant in the same vein as Michael Sam, who "came out" (dare I say strategically) before the NFL draft.  Because as a moderately talented openly gay football player, if you aren't drafted by at least the fifth round, well...you'll get just as much publicity as if you had, plus a book deal and a made-for-tv movie about your hardships...and you can always rake in the big bucks as a motivational speaker.  Hello talk show circuit!  And it will be a lot less work than training for third string in the NFL.

There really is no such thing as bad publicity.  As long as people know your name, it doesn't matter in the world of the rich and famous just what you are known for.  So if your career is suffering, maybe you could just come out and bravely announce your gayness.

Although that may not work for run-of-the-mill customer service reps or high school teachers or bank tellers or wedding planners (Alright.  It might work for wedding planners.  Who wouldn't want their wedding to be FABULOUS!?!).

And it probably wouldn't work for sarcastic and opinionated bloggers either...although I wouldn't want to slap a restrictive and limiting label on myself anyway.  I'm not a can of soup.