Masculinity - Is it Toxic or Heroic?

If you haven't heard about the mass shooting that took place in Orlando, Florida this past weekend, the deadliest mass shooting by a lone gunman in U.S. history, then you must be living under a really nice rock. I wonder how you're getting any sort of decent internet connection under there. Might you be willing to scoot over just a pinch and make room for me?

Because I've pretty much had it.

As should probably be expected, the pro-gun/anti-gun debate commenced in full force before the 49 bodies even reached room temperature, their cell phones still buzzing from incoming desperate texts of "Where are you? Are you safe?" We haven't even been able to get through a single moment of silence in the House of Representatives without a political stampede.

In the days since the tragedy at Pulse nightclub, we've rushed to place blame. We've blamed ISIS, gun culture, mental illness, terrorism, Muslim extremists, bigotry, gun-free zones, Christians, assault rifles, immigration, men kissing, the NRA, a lack of security, gun show loopholes, and the FBI. I'm surprised that the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus have yet to make the media's list of causes.

In a desperate attempt to make sense out of a senseless massacre, we've been grasping at fragile straws, blaming everything and everyone except Omar Mateen.

Since none of those causes seem to stick, the newest cause du jour is masculinity.

Louis Staples writes in the Independent, "Since Sandy Hook, there have been an astonishing 998 mass shootings in America. Two of the perpetrators were Muslim, but all were men. Surely this suggests that this is a wider problem with masculinity." Similar sentiments have been shared in The Atlantic, Salon, and ThinkProgress. Planned Parenthood even jumped in with it's own masculinity-bashing tweet:

#Islam doesn't foment the violence alleged gunman Omar Mateen enacted, toxic masculinity & a global culture of imperialist homophobia does

— PP Black Community (@PPBlackComm) June 12, 2016

And one man's Facebook post that has been shared and shared and shared again claims that "if you or a loved one is murdered, chances are you will be murdered by some form of toxic masculinity."

Perhaps they have a point. It is hard to argue with statistics that show murder is an overwhelmingly male act (Ninety percent of murders in the United States, where the gender of the offender is known, are committed by men). And mass murder has even more damning stats with 98 percent of them perpetrated by men.

Perhaps it is the masculine traits of assertiveness, strength, aggression, dominance and control that combine to create so many grieving mothers. When viewed through such a constrictive lense, it is easy to conclude that masculinity is a deadly and destructive vice that needs to be systematically eradicated.

But here is something else I know to be true: those same masculine traits of assertiveness, strength, aggression, dominance, and control could perhaps have saved at least some of those victims in that Orlando nightclub. As the bodies began to hit the floor, desperate calls to 911 were being made. They were pleading for help.Those victims, bleeding out and fearing for their lives, wanted someone to dominate their attacker. The situation called for a virtuous act of masculinity. Help was desperately needed and expected, not in the form of feminine sensitivity or gentleness, but in the type of aggressive strength and control that a well-trained police force would bring, or even one person willing to risk danger to disarm a madman and save themselves and the people cowering in fear around him.

Interestingly enough, statistics prove that 70 percent of Emergency Medical Technicians, 87.3 percent of police officers, and 96 percent of firefighters, are male. These are the people that rush toward danger, that protect the weak, that help the helpless.

So yes, while most violent acts are committed by men and their "toxic masculinity", so are most acts of valor and bravery. Masculinity isn't always toxic and nasty. It is more often virtuous and courageous. Masculinity isn't misogyny and homophobia, posturing and compensation. Masculinity is action and strength and bravery. It is using inherent power, not to harm, but to serve and protect. That's what men do.

I know that I am just one person, separated from the Pulse incident by miles, my information filtered through media accounts, but I am baffled, angry, and distressed, that one man stood against 300 people and managed to kill 49 of them while wounding another 53, no matter how well armed that individual or how scary his weapon may have appeared. It may be too soon, the scars still too fresh, the hurt still too raw to say this, but I'm going to say it anyway. What was sorely lacking Saturday night was action and aggression and dominance by the revelers in that nightclub. By all accounts, not one person on the inside attempted to stop that psychopath. Not one person went down fighting. I know that people will holler and type strongly-worded responses about how I am victim blaming, but I hope that it happened, and we are just not privy. I hope that at least one person inside showed immeasurable bravery and decisive force. I hope at least one of those 49 victims went down swinging in an effort to save himself and his neighbors. I hope they didn't all run and hide and passively wait for someone else to save them.

While the masses are raising boys to be sensitive and empathetic and compassionate, let us not forget that we should also be raising them to be courageous and strong and self-reliant. The world needs men. We don't need more candlelight vigils and hugging-it-out and "holding space". We need people who stand up to injustice and hate, who swallow their own fears and muster their own courage. That is what saves people.

I know that it isn't politically correct, but maybe it is okay to tell our boys to "suck it up", to fight their bullies, and face their fears. Maybe it is okay to tell them to "man up", at least in the sense that they embrace the masculine qualities that dominate a desperate situation, that take action even in the face of fear, that don't blindly follow the masses fleeing in panic, or quietly wait with hands politely folded for someone else to do something.

Because the world needs more of the virtuous variety of masculinity. That's the only kind that will save us from the other.

Lying Little Girls Dropping F-Bombs Keep Feminism On The Fringe

FCKH8, a T-shirt sales company masquerading as an anti-hate activist group, is pretty freakin' good at using shock value and expletives to grab people's attention.  First, it was their race-y (pun intended) video featuring Ferguson, MO youngsters throwing around some major attitude about race relations in their "Hey White People!" video.

This time it's cute little six year-olds in tiaras and princess dresses dropping F-bombs with apparent glee.  It's all good though. It's for a good cause (or something like that).

The annoying screech of pre-adolescent voices might be enough to make the average person shudder all by itself, but throw in a few helpings of raunchy language, pepper it with some high decibel "facts" about misogyny in America, and you've got a video that is truly cringe-worthy.

I've been known to use some colorful language to get my own point across.  My children aren't saints when it comes to language, either (See Why My Children Sometimes Have Potty Mouths). In fact, I'm all for the use of hard-hitting words when it comes to expressing a passionate opinion. Sometimes strong "sentence intensifiers" are necessary.

It's not the language I find offensive. It's the blatant misinformation used for a specific, and a slightly underhanded purpose.

The 2 minute and 35 second video features all of modern feminism's favorite battle cries: "Pretty" is an insult. Women receive unequal pay. 1 in 5 women will be sexually assaulted. It paints an offensive picture of modern America, and makes it pretty easy for women to get their panties in a wad, be completely angry at oppressive men, and buy really snappy and sarcastic t-shirts.

But the facts aren't on these adorable, yet brash, youngsters' side. The unequal pay myth has been busted. And busted again. And busted again. And so has the 1 in 5 myth (Which in no way trivializes the subject of rape. Just puts a woman's risk of sexual assault in a more realistic perspective). As for being called pretty, I for one, don't mind the compliment.

FCKH8's video features cute little princesses shouting at the viewer, "What is more offensive? A little girl saying f*ck? Or the f*cking unequal and sexist way society treats girls and women?"

What I find more offensive is the division videos like this perpetuate. Videos like this one stir up anger and resentment to an ethereal enemy that is impossible to fight. In the process, Feminism becomes an extreme, in-your-face, rebellious ideology, one that is willing to use half-truths and outright lies to perpetuate anger and societal discord. Is it any wonder women are rejecting the feminist label in droves? Most people aren't going to be swayed by children in pigtails cussing like sailors.

This video does nothing to provide real education or raise the level of debate about gender issues. It keeps mainstream thinkers from embracing ideology by keeping Feminism marginalized to the fringes generally occupied by radical nutjobs. It's just a shock video intended to gain publicity and stir emotions in order to sell swag to the masses.

It's okay, you can rock out your "This is What A Feminist Looks Like" t-shirt with self-righteous indignation.  Just please understand, while you may indeed look fabulous, you've done absolutely nothing to further your cause.

Feel free to watch the video below.  Warning: Language may not be appropriate for workplace viewing. And if there are young, impressionable girls present, I promise they will flock to the computer like moths to a flame.  They seem inappropriately drawn to images of girls in frilly dresses and tiaras... Probably due to society's misogynistic programming...

If I'm Not A Feminist, I Must Be A Misogynist (Or Something Like That)

Someone once assumed I was a feminist.

Because I wrote this post: Why We Need More Female MMA Fighters

And this post: Advice For My Teenage Daughter

And this post: Keep It To Yourself

"Feminist" can be kind of a loaded label meaning different things to different people. If writing about women being actual people rather than objects of sexual desire makes me a feminist in your eyes, then I suppose I am.

But then I wrote this post: The Double Standard of Violence Against Women, which suggested that women aren't the only people experiencing gross unfairness because of their gender.  I actually suggested that men have it bad sometimes, too (GASP!).

Apparently, this sort of thinking doesn't fit into standard feminist thought. And of course, if a person isn't a feminist... they must be a misogynist (at least according to a few feminist Twitter rants that happened to provide me with some humorous entertainment this week... although I don't think humor is what they were going for).

A misogynist is someone who hates women.

But I am a woman... which would mean I hate myself.

While I do occasionally, for brief moments, wallow in self-loathing (usually on mornings when I'm running on a severe lack of sleep and coffee), most of the time I think I'm a pretty awesome person. And most of the women I know... they are pretty cool, too.

One of the great feminist slogans comes from a quote by Cheris Kramarae: "Feminism is the radical notion that women are people."

But what if I think men are people, too?

If that makes me a misogynist, I suppose that I am guilty.

But all of this radical labeling bullshit is probably just the way narrow-minded people attempt to cram triangle pegs into the square and round holes of thought, forgetting that there might be more choices than just two. They fail to see that the world displays a much richer array of colors than just stark black and white.

I didn't realize that gender issues had become so staunchly bipartisan.

Here's an idea: How about we stop trying to marginalize people just because they might hold social or political views that differ from our own?  How about we disengage from all of the hogwash partisan constructs that just lead to the drawing of battle lines?  How about we stop throwing constricting labels around because they extinguish intellectual discourse?

If we only ever listen to people who agree with us, people who think exactly like we do, growth never happens. We will be stuck right where we are now, only more self-righteous and more self-important than we started out.

And we'll be messed-up excuses for human beings with gigantic persecution complexes,  incapable of understanding any way of thinking other than our own.

Which sounds like a lot of people on my Twitter feed.