Tonight's the night. That's right, tonight is the first face-off debate between presidential hopefuls. I'm so excited I can hardly stay awake. I've heard rumors that hospital emergency room staff are on standby this evening, expecting a rush of alcohol poisoning cases due to presidential debate drinking games (I hear the rules are you must drink every time Hillary coughs or Trump yells about a wall... the light weights will be out before the opening remarks are finished). Although I suspect the most common cause will be overdrinking due to despair over the lack of decent candidates.
Who will go home with the championship belt? Pundits will analyse the heck of this to determine the winner of tonight's debate, unfortunately it won't be based on blood loss or armbars or even a good ground-and-pound.
But we already know who the losers are. That'd be us. The American people.
I know some of you are all on pins and needles with excitement about tonight's debate. I know some of you haven't made up your minds yet, that your decision (and the fate of this country) hangs on the outcome of this debate. But I may be busy. I just don't think my soul is up to the torture that watching and caring about tonight's debate would be. I don't think I can handle the lies and forced laughter and empty promises.
Here is a list of things I would rather do than actually watch tonight's presidential debate. Seriously this might be the highest level of torture there is... probably paving the way for the return of waterboarding, which is incredibly humane in comparison.
Well played, Mr. Trump . . .Well played.
1. Eat soup with chopsticks.
2. Walk across a bed of legos in my bare feet.
3. Get pushed down the stairs.
4. Watch 24 straight hours of Caillou.
5. Be Caillou's mother.
6. Juggle porcupines.
7. Have dinner with Hannibal Lecter.
8. Eat a live cockroach.
9. Scrub toilets with my toothbrush.
10. Paint my cat's toenails.
11. Wear barbed wire as jewelry.
12. Go to the grocery store naked.
13. Watch my children hand wash the good china.
14. Mow the lawn with fingernail clippers.
15. Receive acupuncture on my eyeballs.
16. Use poison ivy as toilet paper.
17. Eat the moldy leftovers in the back of the fridge.
18. Sleep on a bed of cactuses.
19. Wrestle an octopus.
20. Scream for hours into my pillow... Wait! I'll be doing that in November after the election. I have to remember to pencil that in on my calendar.