Friday, May 9, 2014

My Mother's Day Demands

Mother's Day is fast approaching.  (You still have time to get that card in the mail, you slackers!) The lists are flying around the internet about what mom REALLY wants for Mother's Day.  And I, like most moms out there, have high expectations.  I mean like really high.  It's the one day that I get off of this full-time 24-7 motherhood gig...or at least I should.

So I've compiled my own list...My List of Mother's Day Demands.  I hope the spawn are paying attention...

1.  I want to sleep late...without interruption. I'm talking to you here, Child With The Overly Loud Inside Voice.  And you, Whirlwind Tornado Child With Elephant Footsteps.  And if the Universe could also arrange to silence barking dogs, honking car horns, overly zealous neighborhood grass mowers, and exuberant yelling church-goers, that would be great, too.

2.  Breakfast in bed would be great, but keep in mind number one, please.  This is kind of the kids' big gift to me, so I'm not expecting anything gourmet...although bacon would be nice.  (Oh please, PLEASE let there be bacon!)

3.  I will actually pee in peace.  No banging on the bathroom door, or dogs that follow me in and then stare at me uncomfortably.  No yelling questions or demands from outside, or slipping demands scrawled on crumpled paper under the door (Yes.  This has happened in the past).  Dare I actually wish to finish an entire shower uninterrupted?  I'd better not push it...

4.  I would like an entire day off of referee duty.  I refuse to facilitate any sibling negotiations or call foul on any fist fights.  I will not supervise the fairness of snack distribution or guard your seat on the sofa while you take a potty break.  You people must fend for yourselves.  It will be fun...kind of like The Hunger Games family style.

5.  Do not ask me to find anything.  For one day you are all on your own in regards to finding your shoes and clean socks and missing library books and headphones and whatever else you might be able to find if you looked for more than 5 seconds before resorting to asking me...even though chances are good that I know where it is.

6.  Smile.  Suspend the teen angst and grumpy complaints about boredom.  I want to see happy faces, people.  Act like you like each other for one day.  It makes your mother happy when the family appears well-adjusted!

7.  For just this one day, I want control of the remote.  There will be no Disney channel or NASCAR.  Period.  And no whining or complaining about my choice of programming or I swear I will make you all watch 12 straight hours of the Home and Garden Channel.  Don't make me do it.

8.  I won't be cleaning up any messes.  Which pretty much means the house will look like a hurricane ripped through it by Monday morning.  I don't care.  There's more to life than a clean house...mom's sanity, for instance.

9.   I want a bottle of wine and chocolate cake...although I'll settle for brownies if chocolate cake is too much to ask.   I'm not compromising on the wine, however.  (I was going to make a crude comment here about how you all are one of the reasons I drink, but I thought that might be going too far and leave you with  emotional baggage to sort out over years of therapy.  So, I'll just confine it to a parenthetical instead.)

Am I asking too much?

Probably.  

Just as long as I get the wine...

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